May

I drove down my street a couple of mornings ago on my way to work. A dark blue Dodge Neon streaked by with a huge Alaskan husky hanging half-way out the passenger side window. He looked pretty damn happy. It was the first of May.

Last week I had been in a funk. I did not feel an inkling of happiness. I could not enjoy every little joyous bits of life. Every morning when I woke up I was looking into blackness. Ironically the days are starting earlier so I was actually looking at dawn. I felt like I needed to be still. Just stop and make the feeling go away. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Four years to be exact. Once again I felt unaccomplished, unsure about the future, and felt let down. The weird thing was, I didn't do anything wrong this time. I was not failing out of school again. I have a good job and I have been responsible. But all of a sudden my mind just crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. There was nothing that could pick me up. I was just going through the motions. Putting one foot in front of the other. Then I saw that dog.

That husky reminded me of the simpler things in life. To live in the moment and appreciate the little things. Go and do what I like. I took a long lunch and cared even less about work. Went to a BBQ buffet with my friends that night and skipped the subsequent long run. I took a mental health day yesterday. I just plain did not care. I slept a lot and I ate food that are bad for me. I haven't felt that good in a week.

I only feel hopeless when I set unrealistic expectations.

I got up bright and early this morning for the farmers market. I had no idea what I wanted to make. I just let the fresh produce guide me. It's tempting to get everything and when I'm not careful I get sucker into things. Don't take any samples unless you want to be guilt into buying something. I was happy with my discoveries last week and was not impress with the ones this week. I'll stick to what I know next time.