Something Profound

I was thinking this morning while I was reading some posts on tumblr, I want to be somebody who writes something profound. I stopped writing for a while. I didn't think I had much to write about. All I was able to put down were boring everyday rants. It occurred to me this morning that I never write about the little things. I'm able to grasp that concept photographically and not literally.

My favorite of the photographs I have taken over the past few years are often highlights of nature. Close up of plants and animals. It messes with your sense of scale and makes you appreciate the small things. The most boring shots are of big sweeping landscape that doesn't have a central focus. And yet that is how I write. I try to capture everything in my writing. It becomes unfocused and boring. All of it looks the same and tends to blend in together. Perhaps I should start with small pieces just focusing on one or two subject matter.

wasting time

I started writing again recently. The pen and paper type. I've been writing in my little moleskine pretending I am some sort of intellectual. It's so hard for me to not sound whiny when I write. I write too much about myself and self doubt. I try to be more observant, read more, and yet all I can write about is myself. I am probably as boring as they come.

When I want to write about other people, I don't feel comfortable publishing it. I feel what I feel, and I don't need other people judging. So I stay away and jot things down on my little moleskine. I feel like I'm running away from life.

I'm jealous of my younger cousin. I haven't seen her in many years. I would say not since I wan in junior high. She has been going to school in Singapore and traveled all over South-East Asia. They grow up so fast, and I feel old and unaccomplished. Just as I thought we're too far apart she uploads a picture from my last visit. It was of us four cousins. Turns out she keeps it with her all the time in her day planner. She turned into that wise old maid that I wish I had been.

I write with a lot of regret. About the time wasted. I'm wasting time now.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future. That is so far away. I know I have this job for the next two months. That can be so short, and yet so far away. Many people are asking what I am going to do. I have a few leads, but they have not materialized yet. I'm not in a hurry though. I am somewhat looking forward to a break. I want to give myself a couple of weeks to just rest up and regroup. To not think about anything. Just sit around a read or something. Wake up in the morning and go for a long run. Breath in some fresh air. Naps in the afternoon. Things I'm looking forward to.