the light is on...

The past month has been an extended out of body experience. I just don't feel like I've been here at all. So many things happening around me and I don't think I have had the time to truly react to it. I have a lot of decisions to make. Not life altering decisions, but perhaps somewhat significant. There's so much running through my mind at any given point I'm often lost. Not that I'm thinking deeply into a single matter, but desperately searching for the lost thought I had a second ago. As if I'm not here at all.

There is something about everyday life that scares me a bit. What if all of a sudden I have to take care of myself. I have been dependent all my life in one form or another. I think some of it was conditioned. I think I would do fine, but I never really had to do it at any point. I'm a spoiled brat.

The only lucid moment I had today was when I emailed with the recruiter. I went to touch base with her and I ended up with an interview on Wednesday. I don't even know if it's an interview or a meet and greet. The hiring manager and her manager wants to talk to me. She did not say it was an interview. All I know was there were two applicants showing on the system and they took the posting down after they received my resume. I think that's a good sign. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. The rest of the day was just... I really hope I get this job. Maybe I will get out of this job early and I won't have to look at that miserable bucket of stupid mistakes from the stores any more. I'm so tired of it.

Sometimes a job is not that bad until you still drilling down to it. It's not a horrible job at all if you look at it on face value. Sometimes when you get somebody who demands attention and others who micromanages in the wrong direction, you are in a world of pain.

ugh

I feel like my brain has melted. I hate the person who came up with the idea of putting bejeweled blitz on facebook. I spent so much time in the past couple of weeks playing that stupid game it's absurd. I got to the point where I hit he level cap on the first two badge levels and well on my way on the third column. Don't worry about it if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's insane. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I need to stop and I can't. I get addicted to the stupidest things so easily it's absolutely frustrating.

Every time I get addicted to the stupidest things such as WoW or this damn game I know I'm unhappy about something. I am absolutely demotivated about anything else. I'm finding excuses not to run. I'm not doing work. I'm not updating my stuff on projects except for the minimal stuff. I just go and do stupid things for hours and hours on end. I can't seem to pull myself out unless I can find something else to do that takes up time, energy, and effort.

I'm irritated.

I'm not my own person and I'm not myself. I don't do anything I want to do, and on top of that I don't even know what it is that I want to do. I feel like I'm emulating other people's lives when I do things. Oh that sounds like a great idea and then I plunge into it, trying to beat them at it. Prove I'm better. Maybe that's what I want to do. Prove I am in fact better then other people. I can't think of any other reason why I haven't found my own passion. I do things because I can. Because I can do it better then the person who inspired me to do it at the first place. Then what do I stand for? I am a benchmark.

Meaningless.

I started reading Infinite Jest. I can already tell I won't be one of those people who will be able to quote my favorite passages from it. I'm not that obsessive. I'm in the first hundred pages and I found the words washing over me. It's a stream of consciousness. I like the way things flows and how the words just comes out and that is the way I want to write. I'm in one part where this girl is describing how it feels to be depressed. I'm starting to think I have depression. Sometimes I just want this feeling to just go away. I just don't want to feel it anymore. The stupid thing is, this feeling doesn't go away and on the flip side I can't feel anything else. I almost can't remember the last time I wasn't just going through the motions. It's like I see everything coming and going and I know how I am suppose to act and just does it without question. But on the inside I don't feel it. It's not driven by emotion. I don't feel so deeply about any of this that it would move me enough to act. What does that say about me? Am I just trying to act like the social norm? I'm trying to act normal, I'm trying to not be the people I despise. I don't want to cause drama, I don't want to be the wave that crashes the party. I don't want to upset people. I'm trying to please everyone at the same time. Why? Why don't I feel the satisfaction of succeeding on what I do when I do any of that.

The way I live my life is not fulfilling at all.

I don't have dreams.

My mother pointed out I haven't found the person that shares my passions. I have to agree. I like art, photography, food, travel. I think I got one out of four from that list. It's not even everything I stand for. I have been trying to figure out what I want for a long time. I have it all spread out. I want to display all the things I feel somewhat passionate about on my website. The content of it should be a representative of what I am and what I want to be.

It's all so pointless.

I talked about maybe wanting to go back to school to get a liberal arts degree. It sounded appealing for about fifteen minutes then I thought to myself, do I really want to do that in a formal setting? I know the answer is a no. If I wanted to do that I should have done it long ago. All the choices I have made so far in my life in regards to education has been financially driven. I went for the things that I can do and fetch a living. It's not what I'm entirely passionate about, but it will do.

I don't have the guts to follow my heart.

I'm too dependent on material comforts.

I want to go home and curl up to the book and finish reading the narrative on what it feels to be depressed. Maybe I should tell my doctor I'm depressed and get some medication for it. Maybe I will be happier then. But I don't have a job that provides medical insurance so it will be expensive. This job is eating me alive. I'm so happy I have only about six weeks left in this job. It's all so meaningless when I sit here all day trying to make myself look busy. They should have gotten rid of me a long time ago. But I won't quit. As long as they keep paying me to do whatever in hell that is I do there is no point to quit. I hate it. It's stupid. There are some things here that drives me absolutely insane. I want to shove my cubicle over and punch people in the face. None of this is helping. I feel like I'm falling into some sort of dark hole and I don't think I'll find the bottom. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but on some level it is true.

I feel like I'm being wasted.

unload

I haven't written anywhere for a while. I wrote in my little notebook last night. Things I would rather not post. It feels like everything is up in the air again. Six weeks, three days left. I have zero motivation to continue my work in any meaningful way.

Things have not been good this month. I have never been good with death. My significant other's mother passed on almost two weeks ago. I find myself using euphemisms for death. I refer to her condition as she had left, as if she is coming back soon. I'm not comfortable with any of it. I never have. It makes me think about what I would do if I am thrown into his shoes.

sick of being sick

I had a bit of a sore throat last Thursday before I left work and it all went downhill from there. Mind you this is right after I wrote about how I'm more aware of my body and its functions etc on my projects blog. Then I get sick. Ironic I think. I finally recovered enough to be able to run tonight. I also want to try my new shoes. After almost three years and 400 miles it was finally time for me to update my shoes. I ended up with the same style shoes, two generations out. I hope they are comfortable. I intend on putting some good mileage on those puppies.

What is the appeal of talking about famous people's misfortunes? I don't get it. And yet that is all I hear all day at work. Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck... that is all I hear. Does that make people feel better about themselves? It must in some level. Talking about the TV shows in general sort of gets on my nerves because it's almost never about shows that is not dumb down. I can't stand reality show to be honest, not even competition shows. If you want to talk about American Idol with me, you will most likely get a blank expression. No offense, but I'm turning into a PBS snob. I want to spend my time being a bit more intellectual.

Don't ever give me anything addictive. I can't stop playing this stupid game on facebook and I keep buying too many books. I'm entirely obsessed with books right now. I need to make something of it. Oh right. I should read.

/end sarcasm thursday

wasting time

I started writing again recently. The pen and paper type. I've been writing in my little moleskine pretending I am some sort of intellectual. It's so hard for me to not sound whiny when I write. I write too much about myself and self doubt. I try to be more observant, read more, and yet all I can write about is myself. I am probably as boring as they come.

When I want to write about other people, I don't feel comfortable publishing it. I feel what I feel, and I don't need other people judging. So I stay away and jot things down on my little moleskine. I feel like I'm running away from life.

I'm jealous of my younger cousin. I haven't seen her in many years. I would say not since I wan in junior high. She has been going to school in Singapore and traveled all over South-East Asia. They grow up so fast, and I feel old and unaccomplished. Just as I thought we're too far apart she uploads a picture from my last visit. It was of us four cousins. Turns out she keeps it with her all the time in her day planner. She turned into that wise old maid that I wish I had been.

I write with a lot of regret. About the time wasted. I'm wasting time now.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future. That is so far away. I know I have this job for the next two months. That can be so short, and yet so far away. Many people are asking what I am going to do. I have a few leads, but they have not materialized yet. I'm not in a hurry though. I am somewhat looking forward to a break. I want to give myself a couple of weeks to just rest up and regroup. To not think about anything. Just sit around a read or something. Wake up in the morning and go for a long run. Breath in some fresh air. Naps in the afternoon. Things I'm looking forward to.

faith in people

Why would somebody keep talking when nobody is listening. In fact, everyone around are trying hard to tune you out. There is a reason for such behavior in your compatriots. It is because you only talk to seek attention. Stop being a 2 year old. Also, you're not part of the conversation. Stop interjecting like you are.

Why would somebody walk up a flight of stairs for the copier when there is one right around the corner? Maybe she does not want to venture into her new surroundings to discover such things. Some people just goes back to what they know best.

I was using the restroom yesterday and noticed on multiple stalls, there was a fresh tampon on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I thought for a second that it was a great idea. It's like the emergency cache. Then I know that will get bastardized over time. People will get lazy and be reliant on that cache. Defeats the purpose soundly.

I sound like I have so little faith in people.