Something something

I've had a fairly rough time trying to keep up with the blog since I refreshed it this year.  I used to manage to post some sort of update every couple of days.  I've been wanting to write more significant posts, but it just escapes me. I have to accept what this really is, a public diary. I have always preached the virtues of writing constantly to sharpen my writing skills. I haven't done enough of it this year. All I do is prep.  I honestly don't have a good excuse not to write. Just accept this as what it is.

Christmas

I've been feeling exceptionally detached lately. Buried myself with work and not really think of any of my own aspirations and goals. The last few nights I have escaped to books. Reading until dawn. I'm slipping back into that uncaring. I feel like I can't be trusted to be by myself. I would think of something stupid. If I don't think about myself.

I have Underworld on full blast in my room. I can't do that at my regular dwelling. I usually indulge myself this way driving exceptionally fast late at night. I haven't had the chance nor the excuse to do so in a very long time. I love driving at night, music blaring, just have the music wash over me. I feel dangerous then. Like I've unleashed myself. The cold night air running through my unkempt hair. I had felt driven then. I had goals and aspirations. I don't feel it now. Maybe I have become bored with myself.

I need goals again. I need to put myself in the position to feel accomplished again. New year resolutions? No not really. Just things I need to get done.

That guy at the freeway exit

I always feel bad and look away when there is somebody standing there with a cardboard sign at the freeway exit. On an intellectual level I just don't get it. How is it possible that someone can be reduced to standing there at the corner waiting for a handout? I feel like helping but I know it will only be enabling.  So I look away, straight ahead to the turn light.

I'm about to go shopping. Does it make me a bad person to spend more money on stuff I don't need on myself rather then giving it to the have-not? It's hard for me to reconcile. Most of the time is out of sight, out of mind. Keep looking at the turn light and hope it turns green soon.

Trying something new

The whole idea of getting a 'rather' smart phone almost two years ago was to be able to blog out of it.  Things didn't work out quite as well as I imagined. My ideas were a little further ahead then the technology allowed. 

I picked up a moto droid a couple of days ago and I'm still trying to get used to it. But it is leaps and bounds ahead of my previous experience. I'm gradually starting to customize my experience. We shall see how it goes.

Long December

I'm sure I used that title before. December makes me want to listen to Counting Crows.

I got a pair of Sharks tickets for Thursday. That will be my first game this season, imagine that. I've been so busy I barely have time to watch it on TV.

I don't think I'm being overworked, but I'm starting to not sleep well. I'm starting to let things go by the wayside. I feel like I'm slipping into "give-up" mode again. Maybe it's the weather.

Can I just go into hibernation now?

thoughts on a Friday morning

As I look out the window, I can see the dark clouds moving across the sky. There is something ominous about it. How it spread darkness across the land. It's just the way it moves and how quickly it spreads. I don't like it one bit.

I couldn't find my mittens this morning, nor yesterday morning, nor the day before that. I have resolved to put things away at their logical places, where I will be looking for them. Instead of what I think would be convenient. Because I will never think of the convenient place when I look for it, only the logical place.

I am not happy with my hair at all right now. It just looks messy all the time, and not the nice kind of messy.

Man it's been a tough week. And I don't feel like getting into it.

WorldRider

I went to see Allan Karl of http://www.worldrider.com/ speak today at lunch. The lesson I took away was to not be afraid to step out of my comfort zone. It was a lot more inspiring then I thought it would have been. I'm glad I went.

a while

It doesn't just feels like forever, it has been a while since I posted. I tried the pen and paper approach for a while and even that has fallen by the wayside. I think as usual, I can't think of anything interesting to talk about at length. Even when I have an idea I wouldn't remember it long enough to sit down and write about it. I could, in theory, write it through my phone. Which was the intention of getting this phone at the first place, but it has been acting up lately. I have a tendency to abandon ideas quickly when my perceived needs outgrow the technology in my possession.

With that said. I'm looking to get a new phone next month. Something of a Christmas present for myself. It's not going to be what you think. I opt for freedom rather then loyalty. There are a few factors that is prohibiting/discouraging me to get what my friend dubbed the iTrend. It is inevitable that I shall move on from the current device that has served me well in the last year and a half. I'm just getting sick of having to reboot it every couple of hours in order to make a call.

This in turn made me think about my shopping habit. In regards to technology, I am not loyal to any brand. All I look to is the feature and the amount of control I possess to that particular piece of technology. I have a feeling that makes me a minority when it comes to people who likes to shop as much as I do. I don't always make the purchase, but when I do, I look for the best balance between price and features. I can be a bit of a nightmare to providers because I am so hard to please sometimes.

With the advance of technology I have become more mobile. I like to have services that allows me to update and be updated on information from the internet on demand. It has been about two months since I had time to just sit down and type out what I think. The use of mobile technology is important to me. I just may go insane without it. I'm still in the process of developing my own website. I saw a very good example of it yesterday. http://www.worldrider.com/blog/ He used technology on the go to update what was going on. I want to do that. Travel and photography, that is exactly what I was looking to do. I have a lot to aspire to.

Fridays in the office

I feel so brain dead. I haven't been working on a Friday for a month. All I can think of is how much I want to go to sleep and stuff. When I had the time off I didn't know what to do with myself. It's great.

calm before the (prolonged) storm

I saw a couple of really ghetto cars today. One of them is white and pink with chrome all over and the other is lime green with chrome spinners that's filled in with the same puke lime green. Ghettolicious.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time making a tomatillo salsa and eggplant dip. My legs hurt from standing. I haven't figured out if that was any more rewarding then napping the afternoon away. At least I have something to munch on for the next week that is relatively healthy.

I'm going to start working full time for the next six months starting Monday. It's going to be arduous but I am absolutely looking forward to it. It will be a good chance to show off what I can do to many people that will potentially help my career path. I think I'm getting a bit of a power trip from the huge amount of new responsibility. We will see how I fare.

Five day work weeks will also bring a more intense workout schedule. Last week I resolved to start running and I managed to jog three days in a row. I'm great at finding excuses to quit, but having three days on the books is not a bad thing. I felt like I had more energy for the rest of the week. I slept better and I felt a bit tighter. I need more patience with myself. I won't see any real results for a few weeks, and I need to keep working on it constantly. I need to really integrate it into my daily routine. Hopefully it will become second nature to me.

So much to look forward to.

make a run for it

Sometimes I just want to pick up my camera and go. I can take some pretty incredible pictures on the most mundane subjects. I have the eye for it when I have the mind for it. I haven't had the mind nor the time to do such a thing. That's what relationships does to you. You think of what the other person might want to do instead of what you want to do. Not that I have anything particular in mind, but I don't even focus on thinking about what I might want. It's not healthy.

I decided today was the day I start running again. Well more like hobble. The first 10 minutes was horrible. I was on the elliptical for several weeks and my legs have entirely forgotten what running was supposed to be like. It was like dragging two dead logs around. My thighs were sore and warm. I finally got some of my stride back but I felt so heavy. Sometimes I just want to go get lipo and have that be over with. But afterward it felt good. I haven't sweat like that with good honest hard work for a while.

now that's rain

I spoke too early. That was sprinkles yesterday. It's pouring outside. This weather makes me happy.

imagination

I finally figured out what is wrong with my blog. Took me long enough. I lack imagination. I was looking on facebook yesterday and one of my friends wrote a description for cigar smoke. I'm not going to repeat it here because it will ruin your own perspective of it. It's so good, and absolutely disgusting. Makes me not want to smoke ever again.

I'm better at relaying information. I'm terrible at making things up. Maybe that's why my writing can be so dry. There's so much information I want to relay, but I just want to make myself a nice little forum. It has to make sense where everything goes. I can't just have a blank slate to write things. I'm weird like that. I need to really work on that website.

first rain

I find when I have the most to talk about I often get stuck in a rut with my writing. The problem is simply I don't know where to start or how everything would relate. It's the worst kind of writer's block. I would wake up in the morning, be in the shower, driving, running, sitting on the can and come up with perfectly coherent paragraphs in the most inopportune time. By the time I get around to write it down the thought is long gone. I seem to write well when I am emotionally charge, e.g. pissed off. My life is good right now. I haven't been writing much. There is not much to rant on.

It has been a month since I started my new job. I'm picking up on it fairly quickly. It's a fun subject for me and I can really utilize my organizational skills. I need to get some projects listed or I will forget about them. I saw some super cheap binders today at Target and remembered I was suppose to make a handbook. There is so much to do. I have one more free Friday next week then I will be plunged into full time work for the next six months. People have been asking me if I started to freak out yet. In truth, I did not think too much of it until Thursday night. All of a sudden I have a huge amount of responsibility. My existance becomes somewhat important and all of my work becomes critical. I have not freaked out yet. A lot of it is my personality. I'm just calm. But I also think in this case I am confident I will do a good job. If my managers believe I can do it, I will prove how I can do it above and beyond. There is so much to organize and do. I need to make spreadsheet so that I can import it into a filemaker database as I find time to create one to play with. I need to train myself to drop it all when I walk out the door.

With the less amount of free time I suspect I will work even less on my website. It's shaping up in my head. There is so much content I want to create and so many features I want to implement. Flexibility will be key.

The best shopping I have done lately is at the Saturday morning farmers market in Stockton. The freshes produce and the best prices around. I have so many ideas when I see these things. I made (and just finished eating) tomatillo salsa last week. It's a learning experience. It was delicious, and I wish I had chronicle it in my yet to exist website.

nine nine oh nine

There is so much going on my head hurts.

long weekends

This is harder then I thought. I am one of those people who thrives when there is a structured schedule. I had thought long weekends would be great. A time to relax and get things done. At times I just feel abandoned. Maybe I'm just conditioned that way. I run out of things I actually want to do, it's a bit shocking. There are things I want to do, but not many by myself.

gypsy

I was watching PBS last night and the documentary about the relationship between New Orleans style of jazz and French jazz was on. I finally found the label I have been looking for all these years: gypsy jazz. Thank you Django Reinhardt. I've been listening to Pandora most of the day. I don't think I will ever get tired of this music. My mind wandered back to Paris. I don't know when I will be back, but I know for sure I will.

somewhat groggy

There was a news report a couple of weeks ago talking about the benefits of napping. I think it's grossly misrepresented in the way it was reported. It's great when it's in the middle of a work day when you're stressed and overloaded. Not like just now when I've done virtually nothing in the morning and slept from 2 to 5:30. Now I just feel parched and well, groggy. I don't remember craving and enjoying a peach Snapple so much in a long while.

Sometimes going to the farmer's market makes me want to live off the land. I got a good size bag of zucchini blossom today for a buck. Half the amount of that in a prissy take-out box would have cost me something like five bucks in Mountain View. While I was looking for recipes I found it to be an easy produce to grow. Makes me want to plant it in the garden. The tomato plants we planted on the side of our yard has grown into a monstrous hedge. It's strange to us how large those plants can grow since my previous experiences involved plant boxes, five inch plants, and one full grown tomato that I eventually forgot to sample. This hedge is almost as tall as me, yield several pounds of yellow cherry tomato, and is still producing more late into the summer. It has been quite a learning experience in our first growing season. I haven't had the guts to mess with the compost. It'll be a while until I figure that one out.

moving forward

The last couple of weeks had been somewhat challenging. It's never easy to start a new job and adjust my schedule. I have more free time now and yet I somehow feel like it's not enough.

I always thought when I have more time to myself I will get more accomplished. It's not the case yet. Maybe I need to have a few more weeks to pass by before I can really arrange myself in that way. I just spend my spare time doing more useless things.

I meant to write more. I still have all these things rattling around my head and when it comes time to putting them down they have gone. I sat down with my moleskine a couple of nights ago and I couldn't put down more then three lines. It was sad really. I had a new pen and everything. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I am going to do something. I get everything primed and ready then lose interest in it entirely. I'm aiming to do much less of that. I've been looking into the things I would like to do. These are the things I want to be a fixture in my website.

I have had the idea of making my own website for the longest time. My problem has always been not having content. Looking back at all the things I have managed to put on the interweb, I think I have more then enough. Sometimes I just can't plan what I am going to do next. All I can do is to have a good idea and general direction of where I want to be. I have this website idea. I bought the domain I think three years ago. I have countless books and tools to help me build this thing and yet my biggest problem was not knowing what I want to put in it at the first place.

I can write. I want to write. I need help in nudging myself into writing something interesting. What is interesting to me might not be interesting to other people. I used to think I need to find that one thing that interests other people. I want to have a lot of people looking at my work. Now I understand that it really doesn't matter. I only need one person to be interested in my contents. I need to have the interest in the things myself. I'm not doing this to disseminate knowledge and ideas. I'm doing this to just showcase myself, to me. Something to make me feel I have accomplished something in my life. I'm worth something.

The thing about my writing is I do it best when I feel passionate about something. I was mad about something a little while back and I think that was my best writing in a while. I push out some ideas in a short span of time. The ideas were clear and concise. I highlighted my emotions at that point. It was a snapshot of the person I was at that momement. It felt good to do it.

I finally realize what would help me write moving forward. I need to feel passionate about myself, my life, my work, my wants, my loves.

A few weeks ago I finalized the broad categories to what I want to be in the website. Which seems like a really small thing. I spent close to a decade thinking about these things and it only took me a few months to finally put it down. It's werid. That whole discovering yourself thing. To probably no ones suprised it took putting it down in writing to figure it out. Putting things into words grounds me. It helps me visualize verbalize what I think is best. Sometimes I wish I had started doing this much earlier in life. I never really imagine how much the written word can help me. I really don't do this enough.

ramble ramble

Something has been pointed out to me last night that has crossed my mind many many times. When I write as much or little as I do, inevitably I start to ramble. I mean the specific case was not about me, but it's something I have considered before.

When I started blogging every post was basically "hi it's me" "this is what I did with my day" "something interesting happened to me today, or not" "I hate my life". I tend to ramble. I certainly don't have an audience in mind when I write. So I let it out. For me writing is a sort of relief. To let things go. To phrase things the way I want it to sound. I will perhaps read this again in the future and remind myself of what I was thinking at this very moment. I might not even remember what prompted me to write such a thing. But memory is funny like that.

I firmly believe if I don't write things down I am bound to forget it. There are so many things that happened in my short life that I don't remember. The things I remember are the stuff I wrote about. I wrote them down somewhere not to show people how my day was. I like to have it to remind myself what I was thinking. What my state of mind was at the time. Sometimes it can be boring, but that is my life and that's the way I know best how to chronicle it.

As time goes by my point of view changes. I might not look at the same thing the same way again. I might not feel the same way about the same person. Or a different version of the same person for that matter. It reminds me of how I used to be and how I am different now.

and the adventure rolls on

Another three and a half hours and my second work week comes to an end. "But it's Thursday at 12:30!" you exclaimed. That indeed is true. Jealous yet? I have done more in the past two weeks then I would have done in a month in my previous position. I feel more useful too. I'm always working on something. Hopefully I'm done with the heavy lifting for the time being. I unloaded a while file cabinet and shifted another three in the past two days. That's as much working out as I have done in a while.

One of the great things about this job is that I am not being micromanaged. That is such a change of pace I don't know what to do with myself half the time. I have a to do list. I set my own goals and off I go.

I joined the company gym yesterday. I'll start my regular workouts next week. Jogging for an hour and a half every day after work sounds good to me. I've been feeling heavier and heavier every day. It's not a good feeling. I got a lot of things settled in regards to benefits and stuff. Things are falling into place.

I decided to take a weekend getaway next week. It should be fun.

my face hurts

I feel like I got punched in the face. Real sunburn is a bitch.

We started the morning off with some fresh waffle and a real bitch of a lady who took a long time to figure out the single cup coffee maker. You're better off rolling out when somebody rolls their eyes at you and say she can handle herself. With that happy thought we piled in the minivan and headed up to the city.

I highly recommend riding cable cars in the morning. The MUNI daily pass is a good deal. I took a ton of great photos. We rode on the cable cars on the two lines. The second time around when we were going from Market to the Wharf I was standing on the front step. Great view, great pictures, and massive sunburn on one side of my face.

We did a massive amount of walking and I'm entirely exhausted. We did head over to the Ferry Building and I got a couple of things of note. Bacon toffee and processed meat in a cone. Boccalone is my little piece of heaven.

I guess that's the highlights. My words really does not do this any justice. I'll need to upload the pictures soon.

coastal breeze

It's the morning after my last day and I wake up at 6:30 in the morning in Milbrea. As I step out of the hotel room the smell of the fog hits me. I love how the cool air fill my lungs. It's a nice change of pace from the unrelenting heat of late.

I love to travel and visit places. I'm just not a huge fan of cramming six people in a two room suite with just one bathroom. One can probably imagine how difficult it can be to coordinate in the morning.

last dance

I have Donna Summer stuck in my head all of a sudden. There is something about being on the job for the last time. My cube looks so empty. All of the things I need to move are under my desk in bags. A few more hours and this space will no longer be mine. There is a sense of melancholy attached to all of this. At the same time I am excited for the new things on the horizon. Life is going to be different. Mainly I hope to feel useful.

In the past few years I have been down on myself. I have thought myself lagging and useless. I finally feel like I'm back on track. Finding a job as such just a bit over a year out of school is pretty impressive. If there's a will, there must have been a way.

The wall is now rid of the stupid crap I have accumulated over the course of the year. I'm ready to move on.

10:23 pm

It's not even 10:30 and I find myself ready to go to bed. Today I worked, shopped for toiletry, took care of my finances, ate dinner, packed my bag, read, and find myself here. It's not even 10:30. I feel like an old lady. I find myself afraid of the dark and afraid of being alone.

The window is open and the breeze chills me to the core.

I don't like this feeling. I'm in a sort of holding pattern, waiting for the next great thing to happen. I already know next week will be exciting. I don't know what to expect this weekend. I feel like I'm at the whim of others.

I sincerely wish I was more independent. I'm sitting here at 10:30. In my room. On a Thursday night. I feel like I should be out and about. I should be exploring different places. Have a life. Other people I know are out doing things. They are going out of town. On their own volition. I don't do that.

I've been thinking about going out of town by myself. I don't know how to do it. Only a few years ago did I fly by myself. It feels odd. I should be out doing things at this age. The best years of my life spent in my room with a book and a bottle of iced tea typing on my laptop. I know there is more to life and I don't know how to start.

I can easily blame it on the people around me. Or in tonight's case, how they're not here. Ultimately I am the one to blame. I am not the one to take initiative. I don't like to rock the boat. I am unsatisfied with my life and I'm not willing to do anything about it.

I can picture myself five years from now. I will be at the same job, doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am a workaholic. I don't take vacations and hardly take any sick days off. I spend weekends as a hermit and not go anywhere. I'm just saving up. It makes me feel uneasy, but I can easily see myself doing that. I don't like that thought.

I had a discussion with one of my old friends today. She is thinking about getting a macbook pro for the media consulting business she is thinking about. I offered to help her out with the pricing of the items. That got me thinking about myself for a bit, in comparison to others. I am in a good financial foothold right now and it is not going to get too much worse with my part time hours. I have been limiting my spending by living at home, driving my parents' cars, and budgeting. I live like I'm on a fixed income. In the past couple of years I have made enough for a downpayment for a small condo or something. It's not enough for what I want, even without reserves, but my savings is sizable. Sometimes I feel like I'm depriving myself. A friend of mine just got a spiffy new car, but complains about she's too poor to get the next big purchase. I have enough to pay for both of those purchases in cash and yet I don't make a move. My whole attitude about money and material things have changed in the last two years. I don't know if I'm shrewed or cheap. Maybe both.

I think deep down I'm trying to make it so I will be comfortable in the future. I want to start things right and not be in the fear of losing things. How material wealth works in this country scares me. I have been listening to podcasts that are very educational. They are conscise and scary. They do not try to instill fear in me intentionally. The more they make things clear the more smoke I see. It's frightening how wealth is created in this country. As my friend Rob said years ago (I paraphrase): I believe in the hard work of my own two hands.

There is nothing more concrete and solid then to know you put in a day of hard work and be rewarded for it. It makes the wealth more precious. I finally reach that point where I draw a direct correaltion between the work I do and the material things I possess.

I desperately want to start in my new job. I want to learn new things. I want my work to be meaningful. I want to be seen as a true professional. I want to be look up upon. I want to be valuable. I want to be... my true self. The person I have always known to be there. I want the world to look at me and say, well look at her now, isn't she something.

of jolt gum and last days

You never realize how much stuff (reads: crap) you have until you need to clear out your desk. Tomorrow will be my last day. Unlike my behavior from previous experience, I have packed most of my cr....stuff away. I asked if I can start putting things into my new desk. It was a yes. I still have my bags under my desk right here. Things I'm not going to use for the time being and I'm not willing to part with them. That's a sign you're a pack-rat. I'll move them tomorrow towards the end of the day.

I had a piece of jolt gum, I would just like to say. It's the equivalent of half a cup of coffee and makes my twitchy. In addition, it also kills my grammar.

I need some new sunglasses. Ideas? I've had mine for a few years and they are awesome but falling apart. One of the rubber grips fell off when I was taking pictures at Yosemite. It's been so stretched out it hardly holds up my hair. I hate shopping for glasses.

I'm going to be up the peninsula this weekend, spending most of daylight up in San Francisco and beyond. I will just bring my point and shoot this time. It's a good camera, it will do the scenery justice.

sunburn

The weekend has come and gone. It was way too short in my opinion. It has been way too long since I had such a good mix of fun and misery. Everything was great except for getting car sick. At least I didn't throw up in the car.

I took some great pictures and had a pretty good time, but Yosemite is not as appealing to me as it once was. To me, Yosemite is sort of a mythical place. The rustic environment, the history, the natural wonder of it all. The drive in and out of the park was not great, and we only spent a few hours in there. We might have spent most of our time on the road. You would think that is a deterrent for people to visit.

The main thing that irks me is the crowd. Traffic jams in a national park. I understand everybody wants to see it, but not like this. There is simply too many people around for me to find the experience entirely enjoyable. I found it obscene how I had to jockey for a spot to set up my tripod at 10 in the morning.

I desperately want to bring my childhood wonder back in regards to the park and I think I know how. This has to be a major entry into travel blog (when I finally get around to it) because I intend to carry it through. I want to spend at least a week in the park in a cabin in spring. Get up at 6 in the morning and hit the trails. I intend to hike up to the top of Yosemite Falls, Half Dome, and El Capitan. I can sleep the crowd away. That will be ideal.

I have so many things I want to do.

nature and me

I'm all packed. My gear is in my car and I'm ready to go. Heading up to Manteca tonight right after work and it's Yosemite Saturday morning! I hope it doesn't get too crowded. I already know it's going to be incredibly hot. Forecast said it is going to be in the hundreds. Joy. I should bring my nalgene.

I don't know if I really look forward to driving up tonight, but at least I don't have to drive at 6 am tomorrow. It's piling into the van and snooze for two hours for me. Actually I will probably spend some time messing with my camera. The last time I was there it was... I don't think I've been there since junior high. I'm brining my camera and tripod this time in addition to my point and shoot.

I'm not too happy with my photo collections of late. I think I put away that focus on little details. Those are the best photos I have ever taken. I have been doing all point and shoot photos lately. Not my best. Maybe I will get some good stuff this weekend. I need to put my camera to good use.

what to eat

I really need to start planning and/or packing my lunch. It is so frustrating to want to go out and can't find anyone to go with. It's no fun for me to go out to lunch by myself to be honest.

I'm so mentally checked out. I ran out of things I want to do months ago. It's kind of sad.

I updated WoW last night on my entertainment center. The whole reason why I upgraded my monitor to a 42" TV etc was to play WoW in high definition. I got the expansion and promptly stopped playing. I started it up again last night and realize I don't have real desires to really play the game. It's such a weird thing for me. Maybe there was too much reading involved with the new class. A death knight starts at level 55 with gear and skills. I really have no desire to catch up that way. I should just start a new character and build it up from there. I'm going to be a farmer anyway when I play. I have a few months left on my account.

I should get into better hobbies.

I was totally lethargic last night. I went to the drug store to get solutions for my contacts and they were out of stock. I ended up wandering around the drugstore for no reason, went to Michael's and TJ Maxx. I don't even know why I went in there. I thought about buying about twenty bucks worth of threads on clearance so I can make myself a shawl to leave at work. I had to talk myself out of that one. I have plenty of yarn at home to do that project. I need to finish my bedspread.

I'm seriously thinking about making some marketable items to put on etsy. I already thought about doing bedspreads. They sell pretty well on etsy at a pretty good price, but they take a long time to make. Selling my photographs would be another. I can put them up on zazzle or cafe press. Maybe I'll link those from my website. I should add a swag section or something. It would be nice to get some income out of it, at least to cover some of my cost. I'm already chalking my website off as an expensive hobby.

I should probably put some time and energy into something more useful.

directions

“What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

A book nerd I follow on tumblr posted the quote this morning. It's so true. The most compelling things I have read online are things people should be ashamed of. I have not been keeping up with most everything I should be doing lately, I'm ashamed to say. Are you compelled yet? I have been mindlessly wasting time away the last month or so. Maybe it started with a general sense of hopelessness, but it definitely turned into a habit.

The one thing I know for sure is I have an addictive personality. Once I get involve into something mindless and never ending, I tend to get addicted. It used to be MMORPGs such as World of Warcraft. I'm glad to say I have been WoW free for almost a year. It doesn't have to be involved, but it normally is something repetitive. Puzzle games are my bane. I have been playing one for a while now. Day and night. It's not healthy. I feel like my brain melted in the last few weeks. I think I've done my worst and have to go cold turkey on it.

I'm guessing it was a sudden burst of optimism that propels me to be more useful. My projects page have not changed in the last three months. There was, as I said before, a general sense of hopelessness and uncertainty for a time. My job was about to end and I didn't know what lies ahead. I now have a new job lined up at the beginning of the month and possibly more schooling. These are things to be excited about. I am no longer stuck in gear and will embark on a possible career path. I like the sound of that. However, I will remain unsettled until I get my bearings at this position. The new bosses (yes, I'm going from two to three) have already asked me to write about myself twice. I suppose it is something I need to get used to, but it's not a subject I have much practice writing about. It is hard to talk about why I am worthy of employment or to summarize myself in two to three sentences. I am so much more. I tried for years to not to be stereotypical. General descriptions does not usually suite me. At the same time I am hard to quantify. That is what people want, something measurable and comparable. It's hard to try to march to my own drumbeat and try to make it in the world.

I looked at some of my projects last week and narrowed down the general sections on my website. That's a good start. I firmly believe in the heart of every good website should be good content. Presentation is important too, but the content makes the site. This is also a reflection on myself. These are the things I am genuinely interested in. I already have a subset of content for every section I wrote down. All of these things are meant to be captured and shared. It will be like my personal autobiography.

Everything I have said is a load of fluff until I start working on it. I have so many things up in the air.

omg

I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything. I appreciate it when people wishes me well and stuff when they find out I got a new job and all. I told somebody from another department about yesterday. She was saying how lucky I was, how she would have jumped on that opportunity if she knew about it, and how much better it is then her job. I makes me feel a bit guilty. And that was in the same tone of voice when people were talking to her kids the other day when she brought them in. I told her because she was looking out for me and suggested something to apply for. I really appreciate her and her concerns. It just reminds me of why I don't like telling people good news.

The best reaction I have gotten so far was last night. My dad came home and gave me a high five.

I lost count

I'm not sure how many more days I have left here on account I have no idea when I start my next job. I'm pretty excited about it. I can probably speak more of it when I'm actually there. In the mean time I am still here, waiting.

I went to see the latest Harry Potter film last night. It wasn't a horrible movie, but I was disappointed. I suppose I can't have it all. I think reading the books really ruins the movie experience. I don't intend on reading the books again. Oh well. It was a fun evening anyway.

I'm not too happy about the new TGIFridays. The location near my house re-opened. The menu is different and our service was poor. To top things off my third choice beer (they were out of the first two on tap) was stale. So far I'm not impressed. Since that is the closest bar to the movie theater we go to, I suspect we will go back sometime in the future.

I didn't see too many movie previews I liked last night. Maybe I'm just getting a bit too cynical about movie and television. I liked the Sherlock Holmes trailer. Not because they entirely bastardized it to an action adventure, it was because Jude Law (Watson) punched Robert Downey Jr (Holmes) in the face. I would watch the movie for that.

I'm starting to clean out my desk. I took out a bunch of food items a little while back. I just have a lot of crap.

I'm behind on my reading. I haven't really had the chance to spend a quiet evening by myself for a while. Passing out in exhaustion does not help either.

second fiddle

There is a certain amount of anxiety associated with not knowing. As much as I don't want to think about it, I am anxious. Every time my in box lights up I thought I would have a heart attack. You want people to stop sending you emails that has really nothing to do with you. It's junk. It's like sitting by the phone waiting for that one call. It doesn't even have to be good news. I just need to know there is a resolution. The longer I wait, the more I want that job. The feeling for it intensifies instead of fading away. I want a quick answer. In my opinion it should be a quick decision. I know I'm good and I should be the one. But I'm not the one making the decisions. I wonder how many people die of bureaucratically induced heart attacks.

I decided to play around with time lapse photography. I want to produce my own work and not be an assistant. He needs to understand I want to be my own person. I have assisted others to do great things without a title to myself. It's not mine. I am willing to help with some of his work, but I want to create my own. I will never concede and become his little assistant. I can't think of anything more degrading.

Maybe that feeling plus my anxiety and his lack of comprehension in regards to direction reacted. I have not felt such anger towards him before.

I'm getting him a GPS for his birthday.

Why I am awesome and you should hire me

Hi D,

Thank you for the opportunity to present myself as a candidate for the position. It was a pleasure to speak with you.

I believe I am a great for the position because of my abilities and experience. I am a quick learner and am observant. I like to figure out how things work and think of ways to make processes more efficient. I enjoy the legal aspects of human resources. I am reasonable. I speak up while being sensitive to others. I am easy going, adaptive, and accommodating without being overly compromising. It may not seem like it if you stop by my desk, but I am very well organized. I bring in experience from the mechanical level of our records retention. I am familiar with some of the foreign national documents from my weekly interaction. I understand how these documents translates to the I-9 and the E-Verify process.

This position is also a great fit for me because it can be a good learning opportunity and allows a larger degree of freedom. As I mentioned before, I want to further my education. In addition to pursuing another degree, I believe this job will teach me many lessons that can not be obtained in a classroom. If business need requires more of my time and growth in the position, I am absolutely up for the challenge.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope receive good news from you soon.

Regards,

P L

hump day

Is it terrible to say I die a little inside every minute I sit at work? It sure feels like it. It feels like I'm wasting away my life. There is 19 work days left. I have relegated to counting down. It's somewhat depressing from that stand point. I have a load of inconsequential work to finish up in this time period. I might even be able to finish it by the end of the week if I concentrate on it.

19 Days. I have a plan A in the works right now and I really hope that pans out. Plan B just emerged a few minutes ago and that's not a bad option either. We will see. I have my hopes.

an idea

I had a brilliant idea this morning. Then I got distracted with real work and more stupid games. I just remember my idea was to redirect my energy from playing stupid games to writing more. I thought it was a great idea. I spend the same amount of energy rambling about.... whatever it is, and there is something productive about this exercise.

I had my interview this morning. I think it went pretty well. I managed to carry on conversations, conveyed how I am most likely the best candidate for the job, and didn't throw up. Not that I have before, but I always imagine I would do it one of these days.

I'm actually really excited about the prospects of this new job. Assuming I get it. Which I have a good chance because of the things I do now. Feels like it has more direction and space to grow. There were a few what if's after the interview. I did a little calculation in case they line up. I could potentially make more on part time when what I make now as a full timer. Great.

the light is on...

The past month has been an extended out of body experience. I just don't feel like I've been here at all. So many things happening around me and I don't think I have had the time to truly react to it. I have a lot of decisions to make. Not life altering decisions, but perhaps somewhat significant. There's so much running through my mind at any given point I'm often lost. Not that I'm thinking deeply into a single matter, but desperately searching for the lost thought I had a second ago. As if I'm not here at all.

There is something about everyday life that scares me a bit. What if all of a sudden I have to take care of myself. I have been dependent all my life in one form or another. I think some of it was conditioned. I think I would do fine, but I never really had to do it at any point. I'm a spoiled brat.

The only lucid moment I had today was when I emailed with the recruiter. I went to touch base with her and I ended up with an interview on Wednesday. I don't even know if it's an interview or a meet and greet. The hiring manager and her manager wants to talk to me. She did not say it was an interview. All I know was there were two applicants showing on the system and they took the posting down after they received my resume. I think that's a good sign. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. The rest of the day was just... I really hope I get this job. Maybe I will get out of this job early and I won't have to look at that miserable bucket of stupid mistakes from the stores any more. I'm so tired of it.

Sometimes a job is not that bad until you still drilling down to it. It's not a horrible job at all if you look at it on face value. Sometimes when you get somebody who demands attention and others who micromanages in the wrong direction, you are in a world of pain.

ugh

I feel like my brain has melted. I hate the person who came up with the idea of putting bejeweled blitz on facebook. I spent so much time in the past couple of weeks playing that stupid game it's absurd. I got to the point where I hit he level cap on the first two badge levels and well on my way on the third column. Don't worry about it if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's insane. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I need to stop and I can't. I get addicted to the stupidest things so easily it's absolutely frustrating.

Every time I get addicted to the stupidest things such as WoW or this damn game I know I'm unhappy about something. I am absolutely demotivated about anything else. I'm finding excuses not to run. I'm not doing work. I'm not updating my stuff on projects except for the minimal stuff. I just go and do stupid things for hours and hours on end. I can't seem to pull myself out unless I can find something else to do that takes up time, energy, and effort.

I'm irritated.

I'm not my own person and I'm not myself. I don't do anything I want to do, and on top of that I don't even know what it is that I want to do. I feel like I'm emulating other people's lives when I do things. Oh that sounds like a great idea and then I plunge into it, trying to beat them at it. Prove I'm better. Maybe that's what I want to do. Prove I am in fact better then other people. I can't think of any other reason why I haven't found my own passion. I do things because I can. Because I can do it better then the person who inspired me to do it at the first place. Then what do I stand for? I am a benchmark.

Meaningless.

I started reading Infinite Jest. I can already tell I won't be one of those people who will be able to quote my favorite passages from it. I'm not that obsessive. I'm in the first hundred pages and I found the words washing over me. It's a stream of consciousness. I like the way things flows and how the words just comes out and that is the way I want to write. I'm in one part where this girl is describing how it feels to be depressed. I'm starting to think I have depression. Sometimes I just want this feeling to just go away. I just don't want to feel it anymore. The stupid thing is, this feeling doesn't go away and on the flip side I can't feel anything else. I almost can't remember the last time I wasn't just going through the motions. It's like I see everything coming and going and I know how I am suppose to act and just does it without question. But on the inside I don't feel it. It's not driven by emotion. I don't feel so deeply about any of this that it would move me enough to act. What does that say about me? Am I just trying to act like the social norm? I'm trying to act normal, I'm trying to not be the people I despise. I don't want to cause drama, I don't want to be the wave that crashes the party. I don't want to upset people. I'm trying to please everyone at the same time. Why? Why don't I feel the satisfaction of succeeding on what I do when I do any of that.

The way I live my life is not fulfilling at all.

I don't have dreams.

My mother pointed out I haven't found the person that shares my passions. I have to agree. I like art, photography, food, travel. I think I got one out of four from that list. It's not even everything I stand for. I have been trying to figure out what I want for a long time. I have it all spread out. I want to display all the things I feel somewhat passionate about on my website. The content of it should be a representative of what I am and what I want to be.

It's all so pointless.

I talked about maybe wanting to go back to school to get a liberal arts degree. It sounded appealing for about fifteen minutes then I thought to myself, do I really want to do that in a formal setting? I know the answer is a no. If I wanted to do that I should have done it long ago. All the choices I have made so far in my life in regards to education has been financially driven. I went for the things that I can do and fetch a living. It's not what I'm entirely passionate about, but it will do.

I don't have the guts to follow my heart.

I'm too dependent on material comforts.

I want to go home and curl up to the book and finish reading the narrative on what it feels to be depressed. Maybe I should tell my doctor I'm depressed and get some medication for it. Maybe I will be happier then. But I don't have a job that provides medical insurance so it will be expensive. This job is eating me alive. I'm so happy I have only about six weeks left in this job. It's all so meaningless when I sit here all day trying to make myself look busy. They should have gotten rid of me a long time ago. But I won't quit. As long as they keep paying me to do whatever in hell that is I do there is no point to quit. I hate it. It's stupid. There are some things here that drives me absolutely insane. I want to shove my cubicle over and punch people in the face. None of this is helping. I feel like I'm falling into some sort of dark hole and I don't think I'll find the bottom. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but on some level it is true.

I feel like I'm being wasted.

unload

I haven't written anywhere for a while. I wrote in my little notebook last night. Things I would rather not post. It feels like everything is up in the air again. Six weeks, three days left. I have zero motivation to continue my work in any meaningful way.

Things have not been good this month. I have never been good with death. My significant other's mother passed on almost two weeks ago. I find myself using euphemisms for death. I refer to her condition as she had left, as if she is coming back soon. I'm not comfortable with any of it. I never have. It makes me think about what I would do if I am thrown into his shoes.

sick of being sick

I had a bit of a sore throat last Thursday before I left work and it all went downhill from there. Mind you this is right after I wrote about how I'm more aware of my body and its functions etc on my projects blog. Then I get sick. Ironic I think. I finally recovered enough to be able to run tonight. I also want to try my new shoes. After almost three years and 400 miles it was finally time for me to update my shoes. I ended up with the same style shoes, two generations out. I hope they are comfortable. I intend on putting some good mileage on those puppies.

What is the appeal of talking about famous people's misfortunes? I don't get it. And yet that is all I hear all day at work. Cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck... that is all I hear. Does that make people feel better about themselves? It must in some level. Talking about the TV shows in general sort of gets on my nerves because it's almost never about shows that is not dumb down. I can't stand reality show to be honest, not even competition shows. If you want to talk about American Idol with me, you will most likely get a blank expression. No offense, but I'm turning into a PBS snob. I want to spend my time being a bit more intellectual.

Don't ever give me anything addictive. I can't stop playing this stupid game on facebook and I keep buying too many books. I'm entirely obsessed with books right now. I need to make something of it. Oh right. I should read.

/end sarcasm thursday

wasting time

I started writing again recently. The pen and paper type. I've been writing in my little moleskine pretending I am some sort of intellectual. It's so hard for me to not sound whiny when I write. I write too much about myself and self doubt. I try to be more observant, read more, and yet all I can write about is myself. I am probably as boring as they come.

When I want to write about other people, I don't feel comfortable publishing it. I feel what I feel, and I don't need other people judging. So I stay away and jot things down on my little moleskine. I feel like I'm running away from life.

I'm jealous of my younger cousin. I haven't seen her in many years. I would say not since I wan in junior high. She has been going to school in Singapore and traveled all over South-East Asia. They grow up so fast, and I feel old and unaccomplished. Just as I thought we're too far apart she uploads a picture from my last visit. It was of us four cousins. Turns out she keeps it with her all the time in her day planner. She turned into that wise old maid that I wish I had been.

I write with a lot of regret. About the time wasted. I'm wasting time now.

I don't know what is going to happen in the future. That is so far away. I know I have this job for the next two months. That can be so short, and yet so far away. Many people are asking what I am going to do. I have a few leads, but they have not materialized yet. I'm not in a hurry though. I am somewhat looking forward to a break. I want to give myself a couple of weeks to just rest up and regroup. To not think about anything. Just sit around a read or something. Wake up in the morning and go for a long run. Breath in some fresh air. Naps in the afternoon. Things I'm looking forward to.

faith in people

Why would somebody keep talking when nobody is listening. In fact, everyone around are trying hard to tune you out. There is a reason for such behavior in your compatriots. It is because you only talk to seek attention. Stop being a 2 year old. Also, you're not part of the conversation. Stop interjecting like you are.

Why would somebody walk up a flight of stairs for the copier when there is one right around the corner? Maybe she does not want to venture into her new surroundings to discover such things. Some people just goes back to what they know best.

I was using the restroom yesterday and noticed on multiple stalls, there was a fresh tampon on top of the toilet paper dispenser. I thought for a second that it was a great idea. It's like the emergency cache. Then I know that will get bastardized over time. People will get lazy and be reliant on that cache. Defeats the purpose soundly.

I sound like I have so little faith in people.

May

I drove down my street a couple of mornings ago on my way to work. A dark blue Dodge Neon streaked by with a huge Alaskan husky hanging half-way out the passenger side window. He looked pretty damn happy. It was the first of May.

Last week I had been in a funk. I did not feel an inkling of happiness. I could not enjoy every little joyous bits of life. Every morning when I woke up I was looking into blackness. Ironically the days are starting earlier so I was actually looking at dawn. I felt like I needed to be still. Just stop and make the feeling go away. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Four years to be exact. Once again I felt unaccomplished, unsure about the future, and felt let down. The weird thing was, I didn't do anything wrong this time. I was not failing out of school again. I have a good job and I have been responsible. But all of a sudden my mind just crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. There was nothing that could pick me up. I was just going through the motions. Putting one foot in front of the other. Then I saw that dog.

That husky reminded me of the simpler things in life. To live in the moment and appreciate the little things. Go and do what I like. I took a long lunch and cared even less about work. Went to a BBQ buffet with my friends that night and skipped the subsequent long run. I took a mental health day yesterday. I just plain did not care. I slept a lot and I ate food that are bad for me. I haven't felt that good in a week.

I only feel hopeless when I set unrealistic expectations.

I got up bright and early this morning for the farmers market. I had no idea what I wanted to make. I just let the fresh produce guide me. It's tempting to get everything and when I'm not careful I get sucker into things. Don't take any samples unless you want to be guilt into buying something. I was happy with my discoveries last week and was not impress with the ones this week. I'll stick to what I know next time.

pledge

I spent the whole afternoon watching a KQED pledge drive. It reminds me of my desire to travel. The opening lines from a Tuscany episode awakened another desire. Italy is the size of California. I don't remember how many times I have heard Northern California compared to Tuscany. I have yet to really explore.

I'm spending the rest of the day resting up and recover from my 10k. Tomorrow is a rest day by design. Rest from exercising yes, but I will be (hopefully) doing lots. I plan on going to the farmers market tomorrow to pick up some fresh produce and artisan food. I have heirloom beans grown on the San Mateo Coast soaking on the stove. I think it warrant some locally grown produce. I haven't had Acme bread for a long while and I think I need to pick up a baguette for lunch. I'm hoping for some pastry and cheese as well. We shall see.

I have to finish at least three more things off my projects list before Friday. I need to get at least five things off my list by the end of the month. I have a thing or two that are already checked off the list that are sort of cheat items. They are mostly chip off the on-going projects. Things such as reading a specific book and organizing my photos are certainly thing I had to do at the first place. So many things to take care of. I need to come up with a few more projects as well. I love having a large amount of things to do with no specific time limit. It makes me feel productive.

I am writing this while I am watching Game 5 of Sharks vs. Ducks. I have faith. They are looking like they want it so far.

I need to work on the list of places I want to go. I think I will start it tomorrow. Perhaps I need to make a separate page for it. I'm thinking a list of region, country, city, quarters, etc. Delving in various places I want to go. Just like my projects page. Another segment of the show also reminded me of another thing I like. I need to read into the history. It is so much better to understand the history of a particular place before visiting it. When I was in Paris I did not know enough of the history of the place. I spent nine days in the city that I knew next to nothing about. The Latin quarter was called as such because that was where the university was and scholars only spoke Latin. I stood in front of an obelisk at the spot where the guillotine once stood. I didn't know any of that. This seems like a great time to assemble my knowledge and figure out where to go next. In the mean time I will have to explore Northern California. I want to see the coast, the city, north of the Golden Gate. I want to really know how to appreciate it.

I think this is also linked to my first love. I want to go places to take photos. I want to know what I'm looking at.

I ran a 10k today. That is 6.21 miles. After reading the marathon book I had many good ideas. I did it in a run/walk fashion and my body feels like I only ran half that distance. Run 4 minutes and walk 1. I repeated that cycle until I was done. I toughed it out, and my knees do not hurt. I added another tool after reading the book as well. I got myself a new heart rate monitor. It helps to know how hard my body is working. I have to keep myself at about 160 to 170 bpm to be at the optimal fat burning point. In the past I have been working way too hard. I come out from the workout hurting. I learned how to make myself be patient with my body. I can't take the kind of work out I thought I was suppose to. I'm in the slow group right now and that is that. For now I need to take the run/walk approach. It feels like the interval amount is working well for me so far. I will have to add minutes to the run interval gradually until I can run the entire way.

Finishing a long distance run makes me feel like I can do anything.

definition please

I have been saying year after year that I don't know who I am and who I want to be. I think I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to get a better idea. One of the most interesting thing I found is that I can be explained by some of my goals and aspirations. I started writing down things I want to and intend to do. I'm healthy, crafty, and literary.

Out of all my hobbies photography is my first love and finding ways to share them is a close second. I love books. I have a ton of books. I want to read them and I have been too lazy. I love to crochet. I like making my own bed covers. Organization and decoration is important for me.

I'm a runner. Mentally. Now I need to get to it physically. I like the solitude of running. The sense of accomplishment. The freedom of going the distance.

I'm a runner-photographer.

some assembly required

I feel like such a fraud. I have so many different pieces in place and all I need is the glue to hold it together. I'm low on motivation, and that happens to be the thing that holds it well. I've been letting things go and I really need to take control back. I need short term goals.

I don't hate my job, but I would not mind doing something entirely different. I have not found my calling yet it seems. Shuffling paper is not what I live for. I ended up tossing about 1100 documents today. That's about 1500 pages I went through. I listened to the radio and plowed through it. Amazingly I still have another box to go.

I understands that office jobs pays the bills that will come inevitably. I just don't feel like I'm in the right office. I don't hate my job at all, but the down time recently has been killing me. The whole idea of having to find something to do. I feel so wasteful.

I did not lose any weight compared to last week. But considering I gain back a bit last week, I am stepping into the wrong direction. I can do it. I just don't feel like it. Once again I feel like I'm doing this for other people and it does not sit well with me.

I'm sick of doing things to please other people. That being people around me. I just feel like I'm holding back myself because I need to please other people. Meanwhile I can not figure out what makes me happy. I just feel like I'm back to pieces, like I was before.

wind

This weekend was excessively windy, but it was great. I did not get much done, but it was still great. I feel rested and I finished a book. I feel accomplished.

I did a bit of rearrangement. The macchiato daily blog is not just my mug shot any more. I made it into a blog of random photos and daily projects. Most of these photos are going to be from my phone and not of the artsy blog quality. I think it's a good place for me to just show off what my days are like and random observations.

I finally finished another book and I'm craving for more. When I first started out on this quest of reading, my goal was to try to clear out the huge amount of great books I have accumulated over the years. I have been reading, but mostly downloaded classics off my phone out of convenience. Meanwhile I had been rewarding myself with more books. I'm in a bit of a paperback deficit here. I'll work on it.

first day of spring

There is something funny about having a fresh start. You become bold and wanting to steer yourself into a different direction. I am running again. It feels good. I've been running 4 miles every few days. My goal is to run 5 miles four to five times per week and be able to run at least one half-marathon length every weekend. It will take some practice.

About being bold, I'm somewhat butting heads with people at work. Politely of course. If you want me to take something off your hands, I need to know what you want me to do is all. I don't do vague. There needs to be consistency. I wrote a couple of epic emails to half the department to get some clarity. I am good at being diplomatic and analytical when I give background to my questions. I think it shows I can be a good manager. It's not that I hate my job. There is no room to grow. I hope I get that other job.

It might rain tomorrow. I want to get some good pictures of fresh leaves. My photo blog is coming along quite well. It requires little maintenance. I just need to queue up another batch of photos this weekend and I'll be set for the next few months. I just need to take more photos in the time being.

We drove up to Communications Hill last night. He lived up there for a few months. It's breathtaking. I did not know there was such a place close by. Granted the town homes are cramped, but the view sure is nice. Something to consider for the future.

The weekend could not come sooner.

I need a sign

I've been looking for a new job within the company while I still have the chance. I feel so very uninspired by the lack of prospect of the position I am in. I have an interview sometime this week for a filler position in the next department over. It will be a good change if I can get it. If not, I'm looking at the prospect of going back to school if I really can't find anything else. I got lucky on my only job interview right out of school. I don't want to be over confident with my next job.

I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. All I know is it's not this.

the shirt I wore last night

This reminded me of the many weight loss commercials I've seen over the years. Skinny people holding up their fat pants showing how far they have come. I dug up an old shirt to wear to sleep last night and it was loose. I remember it to be fairly snug when I wore it last. Feels good. I want it to be even bigger. More work is needed. 5 miles tomorrow maybe?

I won't bore you

I realized at some point in time that one of the things that went wrong with my previous incarnation of the blog is that I started putting my projects on here. Inception, progress, ranting, and reiteration. I often can't remember what exactly it was I put on here and inevitably the ideas get lost.

I got myself a notebook with the intention of writing them down. Didn't happen. I don't feel like lugging around a notebook and such. I'm online all the time. Why not just start a blog and use that like a notebook or something? This way I can share it too. So came macchiato projects.

It's pretty self explanatory. I made it so it is easy to navigate between projects and various updates.

I'm tired. I should have been asleep two hours ago. Then I dragged my tired butt up to the house and am in my other bed. 4.59 miles is a lot any way you slice it.

nest

It happens every spring. A pile of twigs on my stairs. Some confused dove spends an entire day arranging twigs precariously on my porch light for a nest; only to be startled by the opening of my door and dash off, scattering the twigs on my steps. A false start.

It's been unreasonably cold the past few days. This is what I call half-ass weather. If it's this cold, it might as well be snowing. A few weeks back it was, don't bother me with this drizzle, might as well be pouring. I like my weather conditions to be full on. I know I'm pretty well insulated, but I still don't like this cold.

I've been thinking about my options lately. It doesn't look like I have too much longer on this job. I might be out of it as soon as May. I can look for another job or I can go back to school. I went to Borders for a bit last night to look for study materials. the GMAT doesn't look too hard. I can handle that with a bit of a brush up. Interestingly enough the LSAT caught my eyes. I know I want to get some graduate studies under my belt, but law? Maybe. I did enjoy the legal issues classes most when I was studying HR. I can probably do it, but I just don't think I want it bad enough.

pictures

I finally looked through all my pictures in flickr. I pulled all the ones I like into my favorites folders. I went ahead and queued up all the pictures of just myself on the daily me tumblr as backups. I now need to work on putting those new "favorites" into the queue of my photo blog. I've been meaning to do this for a very long time. As time moved on it got more difficult because of the sheer amount of photos I have.

I've been meaning to document the projects I want to work on. I realize I've been working on it unconsciously. Revising my various blogs, reorganizing my room, picking through my photos, and queuing up my photo blogs. Next I need to update my library thing catalog and sort through my scrap book stuff. Everything is connected.

As soon as I figure out what pieces I can use to put in a layout, I can start printing out the best pictures for each and vice versa. I don't know how much more layouts I can work on. I honestly think I do a much better job at making little crafty things with my craft supplies then making layouts. With the investment I made in art supplies, I almost feel obligated to create something.

I need to get back to reading. I really lagged behind. I also need to finish up the throw I'm crocheting. I think I need to make some sort of schedule. I need to work all my projects and workouts into my lazy days. As a matter of fact I spent an hour making a huge rubber band ball. Great use of my time. But at least I know what I need to do. Some things are rolling along.

I like how everything in coming together.

the whole weightloss thing

I woke up this morning thinking about how much I need to work out and such. I'm done with the whole progressive distance from 1 mile thing. It doesn't work. I need to start at 5k at the very least. Then when I was browsing consumerist this morning I found this: http://www.344pounds.com/. It's the most inspirational blog I have ever seen. This guy was at 344 pounds and already lost 32 pounds in 6 weeks.

There are a few things I need to keep in mind. For every 3500 calories burned, it's a pound. I think it's time I start guesstimating my calorie intake. That goes hand in hand with my exercise plan. I'm thinking perhaps I should change my meter on the iPod from distance to calories. That might work a lot better. I can gradually increase the workout level/distance. Maybe I should put back together the whole DDR setup again. When I get a bit lighter that is.

One main part of how his plan works is his eating habits. He said you can eat whatever you want, just limit the amount of intake. I have been saying that for a very long time. While I was reading that part I overheard somebody talking about changing her diet etc. How many times have I said it doesn't work? It doesn't. Anyone who does it will just start binging again. Drink lots of water. I just had 10 oz of water while writing this. I can do this all day long.

I find the only way I can motivate myself is to quantify all of this into numbers.

Let's do a little bit of math. I'm at 189 right now, I rounded up for once. I want to be at about 120 eventually. We're looking at about 70 pounds. Let's say I eat about 2000 calories every day, more give then take. I used an online calculator and it estimates I use about 2000 calories per day. Which make sense because I've been maintaining my weight at that point. From that I estimate my intake to be about 350 more then what I should have to maintain weight because I have been gaining about a 10th of a pound a day. So it looks like my calorie intake is about 2350 with the basal rate at about 2000. For every mile I run it's about 120 calories. Which means I need to run at least 3 miles to keep my current weight. If I want to lose a pound a day I need to run 29 miles plus that 3 miles to maintain what I had before. 32 Miles. That's more then a marathon. Obviously I need to scale down. I can most likely manage 5 miles per day at the current intensity. Obviously more calories will be burn at a higher intensity, but I would like to keep it at 120 just to lower expectations. I can probably do 5 days a week at 5 miles. That is 3000 calories burned. I need to burn 2450 to maintain my weight. That is and extra 550 burnt. Which translates to .15 pounds lost per week. At that rate it will take me 9 years to get to 120 pounds.

Let's say I want to lose half a pound a week. That is 1750 calories plus the 2450 for maintain. So that's 4200 per week. 35 miles. 7 miles for each of 5 workout day. That is doable. I can lose another half a pound if I stick to 2000 calories per day. That changed my outlook to 2 years 9 months to get to about 120 pounds. If I watch the things I eat I can cut that down to 1 year 6 months.

840 calories per workout day. I would like to round that up to 850. I can do that in a couple of different forms of exercise. Running is preferred. The elliptical and stationary bike also works. At the moment I don't want to commit to any sort of class. I can split up my workouts as well. As long as I get that 850 per day.

I feel so inspired.

HGTV

I'm addicted to HGTV. I spent the whole day watching HGTV. It's fun. It makes me feel so good about my room. Besides that I actually got a lot of things done. That mess of stuff on my shelf is finally sorted. I did my taxes. The laundry is put away. Uploaded some pictures. Reorganized my blogs. Crochet half a yarn while watching the game. I think that's pretty good.

My favorite show so far is Design on a Dime. One of the main thing all shows does is paint. I'm already well ahead on that. I have purple walls and an offsetting red chair. Dark wood looking furniture gives it a sophisticated look. I'm thinking about painting my bookshelf. It's an old white plywood shelf, but I think it might look good in black. Maybe I will finally finish my unfinished wood utility shelf.

I have so many things I want to do.

migration (again)

I decided to keep words on this blog and keep my tumblr as a photo blog. Here's a bit of a backlog.

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monkeys are smarter than people

I have heard somewhere a long time ago about how if you put a huge amount of monkeys with typewriters in a room, they will eventually produce all the words for a work of Shakespeare. I started a little project the other day using Twitter. http://twitterato.tumblr.com/ is a small subset of somewhat interesting twitts using the element of timing and chance. I’m having a lot of trouble finding relatively interesting ones. I would dare say the amount of people using Twitter is roughly of that suggested for the monkeys example with far worse vocabulary. It is not the number of subjects involved that would make the scenario possible, it is mainly the content. I am convinced that the collective of people on Twitter will never produce such work. Hence my conclusion.

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hammers, drills and all...

I wish I had called out sick today. I’m feeling perfectly healthy, it would probably be bad karma if I did. They are rebuilding a whole side of our department. It’s suppose to be a good thing. Turns out the draftsman was on crack and nothing makes sense. Why in hell would you block out the windows with high walls instead of making them accessible with low walls. It’s dark. Sounds like he drew the desks in wrong as well. It doesn’t look right to the guys putting the cubes up. He also drew the walls in small. It didn’t line up the way that would grant a shred of privacy. Genius.

It’s loud and I can’t really focus. Might as well not be here.

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books, or the lack there of

I spent a good amount of time playing with my phone yesterday. I finally got around to download a new browser. I have no idea how I have ever lived without Opera mobile. It’s fast and can display in full screen. Another great thing I discovered yesterday was a site call feedbooks.com. It was off an article on either consumerist or gizmodo regarding how Amazon’s prices for digital books have been creeping up. feedbooks have taken a lot of material off of project Gutenberg. I was initially excited about the project, but I realize I don’t particularly like reading off my computer screen, not even my 40”. At my discovery, I promptly downloaded a reader on my phone and started downloading classical works of literature. At this point I have already read a short story by Vonnegut and am well on my way on Around the World in Eighty Days. How appropriate is it to be reading Jules Verne on my phone?

No offense to the people who recommaned some books for me in recent months, but I’ve been meaning to read some things that are more meaty. I read the few things that were sent my way. I quickly dispatched them and I don’t think I’ve gotten much from them. This is my chance to dig into some essential classics, literary roots. I want to be more well read and be able to understand some things in context. I want to be a snob who subscribes to Foreign Affairs, The Economist, and The New Yorker. I want to write better, and know what I am writing about. I want to have an opinion on things and be able to write about them in the correct context.

A long time ago I thought going to college would turn me into such a person. Perhaps I should have accepted the offer to attend UCSC and be an English major. I think it would have suited me better. Instead, the whole college experience left me exhausted and cynical. I want to make up for lost time by doing my own research into higher level thinking.

Better late then never.

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bohemian at heart

There was discussion the other night in regards to hobbies and interests. The phrase “jack of all trades, master of none” came in to mind. That is a fitting description of the many different things I claim to have interest in. I have all the tools I need for many of these ventures and yet I can’t seem to focus.

Motivation is something I have never been familiar with. I just hum along, do what needs to be done. I started writing a list yesterday for things I have been wanting to do. Main projects and variations. I filled up a page so far in my little note book and I know there is more. They all sound interesting. Things I wouldn’t remember if I don’t have it down in writing.

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I saw a guy playing the keytar yesterday at Santana Row

Hellooooo 80’s! I didn’t know you made a comeback. There were a few photos I should have taken. The keytar guy for one. The obscenely long line at Pinkberry (it was ok). The “Look Right —>” graphic painted on the asphalt. I spent most of my day at this beacon of opulence. Something about that place just makes people want to spend money. Maybe I have grown cynical in my old age, but I can’t seem to find myself tapping into that mindset. It’s ironic that without these frivolous shoppers our economy would be in worse shape. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it.

I did purchase a few nonessential items and gifts. I spent a good chunk of time hovering over a table at Borders free writing into my Moleskine. Something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. Mostly thoughts I want to keep to myself or just plain old ideas. There are so many different things rattling around in my head. I like to push it all out on paper for some clarity.

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Charlie would be pissed.

In honor of my birthday, we played pin the horn on the unicorn at the office. Yes there are pictures. There were no prizes. It just occured to me that Chalie would not be amused.

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family

I had a thought this morning as I was getting ready for work. Aside from my parents, I don’t have any more family around here. I’ve never been close to my extended family, even when we were physically located in the same city. I think there was too much of an age gap either way in either direction. I don’t think I have really gotten comfortable with anyone at all. No matter how friendly I am with people, I always keep a bit of distance. I’m a bit of a social outcast in that way. I don’t have a go to person, a so-called best friend.

I don’t know if that is my personality or if it is the way I was conditioned. I do believe I have been severely sheltered. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I have a problem with trust and issues with abandonment. I don’t think it helps that I often have morbid thoughts running through my head. What if?… I think on some level I’ve been conditioned to think I can’t take care of myself. I’m trying to not think about it.

I think I need a vacation to get away from everything for a little while.

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How is Steve?

One of my new peeve ever since I started this job is when people ask me that question. Who do you think I am. Why would I know. I’m physically 4 blocks away from the main campus. You think he would trot down here and chat me up? New today is he is taking a leave of absence. Do I know that ahead of time? No. Which comes to another point.

I don’t think too many people within the company really care if Steve is working or not. Do we function any differently upon the slightest rumors? No. People outside of the company really need to chill out.

/rant

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at the ripe old age of 27

I don’t feel any different. One of my old high school friend pointed out it’s another step closer to 30. Thanks for pointing that out, you’re no spring chicken either. I highly doubt I will feel any different when I reach 30. Anyway. Just like any other day to me. The girls at the office decorated my cube. So cute. I expected as much. I really appreciate it.

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new year, new (sicklier) you!

Every year around this time, usually earlier, I feel obliged to make this post. Usually reflection on the year before and things to look ahead into this new year. Normally this would come a bit earlier in the week, but guess what, I got really sick. Long story short, I got tonsillitis and was on vicodin all weekend. This sort of put things into perspective for me.

New year represents a period of renewal. A time when you reminisce about the good things from the past year and forget the not so good. It is a time to start fresh again, hence people and their silly resolutions. I can’t say this holds true for me in the past. As I said before, holidays does not necessarily holds the same meaning for me then for the next person. I have not voluntarily taken a break in a long time. I worked through the winter break, only taking four days off during the official shut down. I didn’t go anywhere. I just stayed home and treated it like regular work weeks. When I got sick, I tried to figure out my recovery time and thought I would be fine to work on Monday morning. My manager got word I was sick and told to take a couple of days off, no arm twisting needed. I didn’t realize how badly I needed a real break.

I put priority to many things that are external. I never really get around to do things just for myself. I wanted to make it to work on Monday because the team needed me to be there to so a particular part of the process. I wasn’t thinking about how physically capable I would be when the time comes. As long as the job gets done. That goes with a lot of things: school, family, significant other, friends, etc. This is probably a good time to take stock and figure out what makes me tick.

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lipstick and perfume
I finally finished reallocating everything in my room and bathroom. It’s pretty much the way I want it. It will never be perfect, be it’s close. I don’t normally wear lipstick and perfume, but I happen to have a rather large collection. Maybe me in the past is trying to tell me something. I have everything organized and laid out instead of stashed in baggies in boxes on an obscure shelf in my room.

Story of my life. For once I finished a project. It has been an interesting adventure reorganizing my room. It is like exploring the person I am in third person by looking through my stuff. I found many interesting things packed away through the years. Things here and there, never centralized. I think that is much like the way I function. I am not good at concentrating on single subject. My mind wanders to various things that interests me. Scattered, unfocused, bits and pieces everywhere, I have no idea what I already have and look outward for more. All I end up doing is bury what I do possess.

I think I got to a point in my life where I have paid my due and can finally try to enjoy myself. It’s hard, the process of cleaning up gradually and finally have everything at my fingertips. It takes time and tenacity.

I’m looking forward to the new year.

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things to do on a saturday afternoon

Today is already a wash. Despite having a great nights sleep and coughing less, I still have no desire to head out to explore. Having lived in the bay area for most of my life there is surprisingly few things I can think of off top of my head to do on a weekend. I practically grew up at the mall. I know the layout of he place, where everything is, and can plot out the most efficient route in my head. I am at a lost outside of that familiar landscape.

I have been thinking about involving myself with fun activities that costs close to nothing. Utilizing things I already have, mainly my camera. Using things I already have, doing something different, and saving money for more important things are just some of the obvious reasons I can think of. I have accumulated all the things I would potentially need at this point in my life. I should figure out what it is I have set myself up for.

I feel blessed.

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Relationship views

Oh how it changes over experience. I haven’t had that many relationships in the past, and I rarely did any casual dating. But I think I can safely say I learn some sort of lesson from each one of them.

I no longer believe in dating/getting into relationships with established friends. It’s not worth it. When you change gears with somebody, it can never go back. I’m out a couple of otherwise lifelong friends because of this. I tried to put myself out there a bit in the last couple of years. More as a joke at first. I haven’t been desperately looking for a relationship. I finally started to enjoy being myself. I would be lying if I say something wasn’t missing. I wouldn’t find anything if I didn’t throw myself out there in some way. Good thing I did.

Try not to get too attached and set expectations low or carry none at all. I personally don’t really expect much out of a relationship. What is it about two people being together that invites other people to plant ideas on what an ideal relationship should be like? What I finally got through my head is that what other people say really doesn’t matter. My expectation? Just be good to me and care. That’s all. No material things nor things said can compare to the feeling I get when I snuggle up into caring arms on a cold night.

There is no expiration date. One person I was with defined a “honeymoon” period. As if he was counting down to the day when he doesn’t have to pay as much attention to me anymore. Everything was so formulaic for him. Why put in so much effort at the first place? When I’m with somebody, it’s all in. I either am or am not. There is no holding back for me. If I don’t feel that strongly about somebody, there is no point.

I’m not the first one to use the L word. It’s a self preservation thing. I found it useful sometime to keep my mouth shut. It certainly prevents me from saying things I don’t mean. On the same token I’m also not saying everything I feel. I think I just need to get over the anxiety of what would come after the words leaves my mouth. I’ve been waiting for the right moment. But I should know better. There is no right moment.

I guess that is all I can think of for now.

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christmas for me is...

I haven’t really given it much thought in the last few years. I think this is yet another one of those things that I let other people dictate the way I act. The meaning of Christmas to me is a time when everyone suddenly loves one another and there is a whole lot of shopping to do. It’s all so obligatory. I suppose my foray into Judaism has something to do with it. Christmas is just not that huge of a deal to me anymore. I honestly don’t remember why it was such a huge deal at the first place. Maybe it was all the presents and get together. It just doesn’t hold anything special for me.

When I was back in elementary school in Hong Kong, I was often picked as the angel to recite passages from the bible in the Christmas pageant. I had no idea what I was saying, and not that I remember now what they were. I was good at memorization and spoke clearly. That was all that mattered. Christmas was a time for the spotlight to shine on me (literally).

I suppose it was always about the presents. I honestly can’t remember any that really stood out. I must have really wanted them somehow. On a lot of levels I feel like I’ve been influenced into this celebration. But I know in my hear the true meaning of Christmas is lost on me. Why pick that one day of the year to be nice to one another? To get somebody something special? To forgive and forget?

I pulled out Love Actually and watched it just now. It’s a great movie. It’s not the cheery, omg I’m glowing with with… cheer… type of movie. It’s just people dealing with their feelings. Christmas is just the backdrop and an “out” for them for their action. I can’t be pretentious and say I’ve watched Christmas movies to bring my spirit up, because I have never done so. I have never watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” all the way through, able to get through the Patrick Stewart version of “A Christmas Carol” just because I’m a Picard fan, and the beagle whined me away from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.

I know I’m being somewhat pessimistic about the whole situation, scrooge-like in fact. The only tinge of holiday spirit I felt was when I pour my heart into wrapping up the holiday goodies for my friends and coworkers this year. It was/is always about sharing for me. The look on people’s face when they get soemthing unexpected from me. But the thing that I can’t get over is why just this one day? Why can’t it be an everyday thing? I suppose spending most of the week by myself doesn’t help. I’m sitting here writing about how I don’t feel Christmas listening to Oasis, the band that embodies distaste for loved ones. I think it’s time for another Anchor Steam Christmas Ale. I swear I’m not bitter.

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daily thought dump

-Was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning: Pat Buchanan, you make me lolz.
-Really need to do laundry… I’m down to granny panties.
-I’m a creature of habit when it comes to ordering food, it’s hard press for me to get anything different.
-Animalreview.wordpress.com go there, I lol’d.
-Rumor has it Tom Jones is at the holiday beer bash, *jealous*.
-The photobooth feature on the imac is mucho fun.

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Thank you Microsoft and your co-employment practices. Now I’m out a Wii.

That’s right. There are four of us here in the office that should be holding some sort of prize right now. But noooooo… .we’re not allowed. Thanks Microsuck. Our boss got a Wii. Good for her. But I could have gotten one too. Oh well, I had fun, it was great food and had an open bar. I hope I get to do it again next year.

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Sharks (of the san jose variety)

What happened last night? You guys played like the Sharks of last year. It’s only Detroit. Hockey Town? pffft.. We’ve got Hockey Town WEST! I’m looking to get tickets for the game on 1/13. Day before my birthday. Sharky birthday bash anyone?

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Rick Warren at inauguration.

So a whole bunch of people are all huffy about it apparently. I think the term is anti-gay bigot that they applied to him. I might not like some of the things he believes in, but he does have a wide reaching audience. On the PR side this actually make sense to me. Consider all this “change” going on in this country. It is frightening to the large population of conservatives. It does not matter how progressive you think you are, you always know a few people who are conservative on so called “family value”. I don’t think we should ignore this part of the population because they don’t agree with you. If anything there should be dialog. What better then to reach across the aisle and not alienate. I always believe communication over antagonism is the better way to change people’s mind. So don’t sweat it, it’s only the inauguration of our first (half) black president.

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Diddit.com

This website is ridiculous. http://www.diddit.com/profile/7536/ It seems somewhat pointless, but it’s addictive. Endless lists of random stuff you have done/own/watch/heard/eaten/been to. I’m already past 300 items and I only registered last night. You can also compare your amount of stuff done with your friends, if you can find them that is. There’s still a lot left to be desired on this site, but it’s a good time killer.

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Things on the radar

* Rick Warren at inauguration.
* Relationship views.
* Sharks (of the san jose variety).
* Diddit.com.
* Thank you Microsoft and your co-employment practices. Now I’m out a Wii.
* Random thoughts dump!

Stay tuned.

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a matter of communication

I am more of a literary person over verbal. It’s hard for me to come up with anything to say when pressed. If it’s not on top of my mind I won’t be able to come up with it. If that make sense. I have a lot of ideas flying through my head during the course of the day. Funny things that happens and such. It is all forgotten by the end of the day.

For example, I heard people talking about their astrological signs today. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I did catch one of them saying Capricorns are meticulous and have stick up their asses. At which point I go “excuse me?” Another person had already expressed that sentiment when the sign of Tarus was brought up, so it was just funny when I said it. Yet another person went around and ask what everyone’s signs are. When she asked me, I went, “I”ve got a stick up my ass remember?” Fun at the office.

In the vein of my last post, here are some things that makes me happy in no particular order and by no means an exhaustive list:

* hot shower
* cuddling
* looking out into the pacific
* strolling in the rain
* fresh laundry (which reminds me I need to do laundry tonight >_<)
* a good bargain
* mac ‘n cheese (good like the one from whole foods)

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Overdose on benadryl

I decided it was time to switch my allergy meds this morning and took a couple of benadryl. That’s right, a couple. Not having a label on the container indicating dosage is a dangerous thing. Especially for people that is half awake to begin with. It hit me mid morning like a ton of bricks. I could hardly keep my eyes open. On one level I was freaking out. I knew if I close my eyes it was over. On another level I was dimly aware that I wasn’t sneezing and sniffling at all. It was just a strange morning overall. I have an addictive personality. Once I get myself interested in something I am consumed by it. I think this blog looks pretty spiffy now. There are a few things more I want for it. I’ll just have to learn how to code the layout from scratch. It will be a fun project. In the mean time I am quite happy with the way it handles content. A bit of wisdom for the night: be mindful of others but do not let them dictate your action. A concept learned from many different episodes and lessons. I think I am quite happy with myself right now. I’m not perfect. I still don’t know what I really want in life and what makes me truly happy. I’m looking for ideas of what to do and keep working on my living space. I am glad I have someone I can share all of this with.

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Why this now?

I stopped really posting anything on my main blog the moment I started importing notes on to facebook. I don’t feel like imposing my everyday ranting and imposing my ideas on people. I want to write important stuff there, not just little weird things. This way I still do random little weird updates, notifies people what I have done, and not worry about making an ass of myself.

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migrate

I did a few postings from the phone on blogger prior to making this…. I’m migrating those postings before I take it out for good.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 freeze

It’s freezing cold. It is 37 degrees out and maybe a bit if windchill. I don’t remember the last time having this cold of a winter. I like it, just not used to it. I don’t really expect this type of weather around these parts anymore. So this chill has come on as a sort of surprise. I’m just glad I finally sorted out my closet and I have my warm clothes ready. Posted by Odrini at 8:25 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 On the road?

I suppose the subject of this blog is a bit of a misnomer. More of a wishful thinking if you will. I am, however, finding myself online on my phone 60% of the time with no good means of blogging things of interest. Twitter is a good thing to have when I have some radom little thing to talk about, but space is limited. I don’t feel like putting any more random ranting on my main blog. I also don’t want to post it as a note on facebook. I figure I’ll just make yet another blog.

A few things had to fall into place. I’m online on my phone a ridiculous amount of time to make up for the amount of money I pay for it. I finally got around to setup my email on the phone in a way that is unobtrusive and does not use too much battery. I tired to find a client that would work for windows mobile and failed. There are surprisingly few ways to easily post to blogger from a mobile device. This is the only time when I found the email posting feature to blogs to be useful. The only drawback is that it won’t be easy to post pictures.

Ah well. This way I will start to blog more about things and such.

Posted by Odrini at 7:11 PM 0 comments
First post?

I can’t really fathom why there is no clients for windows mobile out there for blogger that would work right for my phone. In fact it is downright frustrating. Best I can do right now is to use email. Posted by Odrini at 2:53 PM 0 comments

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That's all for now...