ugh

I feel like my brain has melted. I hate the person who came up with the idea of putting bejeweled blitz on facebook. I spent so much time in the past couple of weeks playing that stupid game it's absurd. I got to the point where I hit he level cap on the first two badge levels and well on my way on the third column. Don't worry about it if you don't know what I'm talking about. It's insane. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I need to stop and I can't. I get addicted to the stupidest things so easily it's absolutely frustrating.

Every time I get addicted to the stupidest things such as WoW or this damn game I know I'm unhappy about something. I am absolutely demotivated about anything else. I'm finding excuses not to run. I'm not doing work. I'm not updating my stuff on projects except for the minimal stuff. I just go and do stupid things for hours and hours on end. I can't seem to pull myself out unless I can find something else to do that takes up time, energy, and effort.

I'm irritated.

I'm not my own person and I'm not myself. I don't do anything I want to do, and on top of that I don't even know what it is that I want to do. I feel like I'm emulating other people's lives when I do things. Oh that sounds like a great idea and then I plunge into it, trying to beat them at it. Prove I'm better. Maybe that's what I want to do. Prove I am in fact better then other people. I can't think of any other reason why I haven't found my own passion. I do things because I can. Because I can do it better then the person who inspired me to do it at the first place. Then what do I stand for? I am a benchmark.

Meaningless.

I started reading Infinite Jest. I can already tell I won't be one of those people who will be able to quote my favorite passages from it. I'm not that obsessive. I'm in the first hundred pages and I found the words washing over me. It's a stream of consciousness. I like the way things flows and how the words just comes out and that is the way I want to write. I'm in one part where this girl is describing how it feels to be depressed. I'm starting to think I have depression. Sometimes I just want this feeling to just go away. I just don't want to feel it anymore. The stupid thing is, this feeling doesn't go away and on the flip side I can't feel anything else. I almost can't remember the last time I wasn't just going through the motions. It's like I see everything coming and going and I know how I am suppose to act and just does it without question. But on the inside I don't feel it. It's not driven by emotion. I don't feel so deeply about any of this that it would move me enough to act. What does that say about me? Am I just trying to act like the social norm? I'm trying to act normal, I'm trying to not be the people I despise. I don't want to cause drama, I don't want to be the wave that crashes the party. I don't want to upset people. I'm trying to please everyone at the same time. Why? Why don't I feel the satisfaction of succeeding on what I do when I do any of that.

The way I live my life is not fulfilling at all.

I don't have dreams.

My mother pointed out I haven't found the person that shares my passions. I have to agree. I like art, photography, food, travel. I think I got one out of four from that list. It's not even everything I stand for. I have been trying to figure out what I want for a long time. I have it all spread out. I want to display all the things I feel somewhat passionate about on my website. The content of it should be a representative of what I am and what I want to be.

It's all so pointless.

I talked about maybe wanting to go back to school to get a liberal arts degree. It sounded appealing for about fifteen minutes then I thought to myself, do I really want to do that in a formal setting? I know the answer is a no. If I wanted to do that I should have done it long ago. All the choices I have made so far in my life in regards to education has been financially driven. I went for the things that I can do and fetch a living. It's not what I'm entirely passionate about, but it will do.

I don't have the guts to follow my heart.

I'm too dependent on material comforts.

I want to go home and curl up to the book and finish reading the narrative on what it feels to be depressed. Maybe I should tell my doctor I'm depressed and get some medication for it. Maybe I will be happier then. But I don't have a job that provides medical insurance so it will be expensive. This job is eating me alive. I'm so happy I have only about six weeks left in this job. It's all so meaningless when I sit here all day trying to make myself look busy. They should have gotten rid of me a long time ago. But I won't quit. As long as they keep paying me to do whatever in hell that is I do there is no point to quit. I hate it. It's stupid. There are some things here that drives me absolutely insane. I want to shove my cubicle over and punch people in the face. None of this is helping. I feel like I'm falling into some sort of dark hole and I don't think I'll find the bottom. Maybe I'm being too dramatic, but on some level it is true.

I feel like I'm being wasted.