That guy at the freeway exit

I always feel bad and look away when there is somebody standing there with a cardboard sign at the freeway exit. On an intellectual level I just don't get it. How is it possible that someone can be reduced to standing there at the corner waiting for a handout? I feel like helping but I know it will only be enabling.  So I look away, straight ahead to the turn light.

I'm about to go shopping. Does it make me a bad person to spend more money on stuff I don't need on myself rather then giving it to the have-not?

iWeb

I used iWeb for about 10 minutes tonight. It was simple, elegant, content driven, easy to use, and absolutely not for me. It has some good ideas and definitely easy to throw a quick and dirty web page online. Not something I can deal with. Now that I'm done with this detour, I can go back to real work. I didn't get all those books for nothing. About time I get to work. At least now my equipment works.

I almost forgot how much I love my little netbook. Ok I give up and called it a netbook. Trend driven, I am. It is really the only device I can use to write. I can concentrate on the words. It's probably because of the restricted work area it provides. It just forces my eyes towards a single thing.

I can't look at the screen any more. I've done more then my normal share of work today while staring at the screen. I shouldn't subject myself to more of that when I should be resting. Maybe I'll go for a long drive tomorrow.

Wide Open

I finally decided to take things into my own hands last night.... at 12:30. I took my handy Leatherman, unscrewed all 19 tiny screws off my Macbook Pro, and proceed to reconnect the airport card with my tweezers. I'm getting rusty. I've had the short range problem since I picked this up before Christmas. Forums were not help. I can't even find a diagram. I asked a friend for help last week and he mentioned it could be a lose antenna. It honestly didn't even click until maybe around 12 last night. I'm getting rusty.

I think I'm getting bored. With life in general. I keep putting of my wants to defer to others. I've spent so many years working on goal after goal. School, get a job, get a stable job, get a full time stable job. Now that I have it, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know how to take a vacation, how to explore, how to have fun.

O Canada!

I was at dinner last night with company and they asked what we will be doing today.  Hockey of course, I replied.  Who will be playing?  US versus Canada, I said matter of factly.  I have long shed the indignate tone because I finally understood that not many people I know are as passionate about hockey as I am.  I hope we win, he then said.  I just offered an understanding smile. 

A few days ago my senior VP asked if I was Canadian.  What does that really mean? I wondered. 

I find all of this funny.  While watching the Olympics the last couple weeks.  The games are suppose to bring people as one and compete best against the best.  It somehow brings a bout of extreme nationalism.  I just don't feel like people get the point. 

Resonance

Maybe I've been watching too much TV and my brain is fried.  My personal theory about what attracts me to certain programming is that there is something about the show that resonate with my life.  What does that say about me when my favorites in the past and present are of lonely anti-heros. 

Last couple of days I feel like I want to come to my own.  I feel like I've been living my life trying to please other people.  Sometimes I just feel alone.  I want a true companion.  Somebody I can talk to and share adventures with.  I also feel my life to be ordinary.  I want to feel like a badass.  I want to feel special.  My own brand of special.  I know I am capable of it. I'm rambling again.  I'm tired of doing things just for the benefits of others.  When am I going to start doing things just for me?

Rings

I am never the first one to trifle over my jewery.  Never the less I felt like I made some life decisions by changing my rings. 

For a fews years now I have worn a spinner ring with faux celtic knots on my left ring finger.  I  don't believe in leaving it empty until somebody puts a ring on it.  When I first got this ring it was where it looked good and where it fits.  I got it at the jewelry stall that is open once in a while on school campus.  When I saw it I fell in love with it and that is it.  It was at a point in my life when I finally started to feel like I'm my own person.  I don't even remember how much I paid for it.  It didn't matter.  It was worth it because I chose it and it fits me perfectly.  It is quirky and always changing.

A few months ago I went shopping at Marc Jacobs for my cousin and picked up a couple of rings with latin inscribed on it.  I don't remember what they said exactly but I avoided the ones that spoke of love and promises.  So there it was, for month I wore those two rings with words I did not understand like fractured tablets guiding me to nowherew fast. 

Last week I was looking for an old chain to wear a new pandent and stumbled upon an old favorite. A left-handed ring I bought a decade ago that used to fit like a glove.  It was at least a size and a half too big.  What it was, what I was didn't fit me anymore.  How far I have come in the last decade.

Before I left home tonight I put my spinner back on.  Comfortable in my own skin.  One I have chosen for myself.

Dusk or Dawn

The weather this weekend was unbelievably beautiful. It felt like spring.

I stepped out of work on Monday evening and was hit with a familiar feeling. The sky was in a hue of turquoise blue, birds where chirping. The heat of the afternoon was dissipating. The air was crisp but not cold. It was strangely familiar, but it was a feeling from a long time ago.

I took another deep breath while walking to my car and it hit me. It felt like stepping out of my apartment, walking towards class after a sleepless night working on a project. 6 am on a late spring morning. The combination of exhaustion and the feeling of accomplishment. That was what I felt then.

one leaf

I came across a tumblr call write one leaf a few weeks back. I love the concept. A small writing prompt without any restrictions or expectations. I've been thinking about using the prompts. I started thinking about in what platform I should write it in. Maybe I should start a new tumblr for it, or maybe I can add it to my existing tumblr. I can't work it out. When I put it that way, there are so many different factors to consider. Why not just write.

The Meaning

Never ceases to amaze me how some people can get so far in life and can't write for the life of them. I honestly don't think I understood at least a quarter of the email I just received. I shouldn't have to read it out loud to catch the intent. The conversational tone should not be a dominant feature when communicating an idea. No you don't sound cool. You sound more like a babbling idiot. I would rather you leave me alone, thank you very much.

Something Profound

I was thinking this morning while I was reading some posts on tumblr, I want to be somebody who writes something profound. I stopped writing for a while. I didn't think I had much to write about. All I was able to put down were boring everyday rants. It occurred to me this morning that I never write about the little things. I'm able to grasp that concept photographically and not literally.

My favorite of the photographs I have taken over the past few years are often highlights of nature. Close up of plants and animals. It messes with your sense of scale and makes you appreciate the small things. The most boring shots are of big sweeping landscape that doesn't have a central focus. And yet that is how I write. I try to capture everything in my writing. It becomes unfocused and boring. All of it looks the same and tends to blend in together. Perhaps I should start with small pieces just focusing on one or two subject matter.

Something something

I've had a fairly rough time trying to keep up with the blog since I refreshed it this year.  I used to manage to post some sort of update every couple of days.  I've been wanting to write more significant posts, but it just escapes me. I have to accept what this really is, a public diary. I have always preached the virtues of writing constantly to sharpen my writing skills. I haven't done enough of it this year. All I do is prep.  I honestly don't have a good excuse not to write. Just accept this as what it is.

Christmas

I've been feeling exceptionally detached lately. Buried myself with work and not really think of any of my own aspirations and goals. The last few nights I have escaped to books. Reading until dawn. I'm slipping back into that uncaring. I feel like I can't be trusted to be by myself. I would think of something stupid. If I don't think about myself.

I have Underworld on full blast in my room. I can't do that at my regular dwelling. I usually indulge myself this way driving exceptionally fast late at night. I haven't had the chance nor the excuse to do so in a very long time. I love driving at night, music blaring, just have the music wash over me. I feel dangerous then. Like I've unleashed myself. The cold night air running through my unkempt hair. I had felt driven then. I had goals and aspirations. I don't feel it now. Maybe I have become bored with myself.

I need goals again. I need to put myself in the position to feel accomplished again. New year resolutions? No not really. Just things I need to get done.

That guy at the freeway exit

I always feel bad and look away when there is somebody standing there with a cardboard sign at the freeway exit. On an intellectual level I just don't get it. How is it possible that someone can be reduced to standing there at the corner waiting for a handout? I feel like helping but I know it will only be enabling.  So I look away, straight ahead to the turn light.

I'm about to go shopping. Does it make me a bad person to spend more money on stuff I don't need on myself rather then giving it to the have-not? It's hard for me to reconcile. Most of the time is out of sight, out of mind. Keep looking at the turn light and hope it turns green soon.

Trying something new

The whole idea of getting a 'rather' smart phone almost two years ago was to be able to blog out of it.  Things didn't work out quite as well as I imagined. My ideas were a little further ahead then the technology allowed. 

I picked up a moto droid a couple of days ago and I'm still trying to get used to it. But it is leaps and bounds ahead of my previous experience. I'm gradually starting to customize my experience. We shall see how it goes.

Long December

I'm sure I used that title before. December makes me want to listen to Counting Crows.

I got a pair of Sharks tickets for Thursday. That will be my first game this season, imagine that. I've been so busy I barely have time to watch it on TV.

I don't think I'm being overworked, but I'm starting to not sleep well. I'm starting to let things go by the wayside. I feel like I'm slipping into "give-up" mode again. Maybe it's the weather.

Can I just go into hibernation now?

thoughts on a Friday morning

As I look out the window, I can see the dark clouds moving across the sky. There is something ominous about it. How it spread darkness across the land. It's just the way it moves and how quickly it spreads. I don't like it one bit.

I couldn't find my mittens this morning, nor yesterday morning, nor the day before that. I have resolved to put things away at their logical places, where I will be looking for them. Instead of what I think would be convenient. Because I will never think of the convenient place when I look for it, only the logical place.

I am not happy with my hair at all right now. It just looks messy all the time, and not the nice kind of messy.

Man it's been a tough week. And I don't feel like getting into it.

WorldRider

I went to see Allan Karl of http://www.worldrider.com/ speak today at lunch. The lesson I took away was to not be afraid to step out of my comfort zone. It was a lot more inspiring then I thought it would have been. I'm glad I went.

a while

It doesn't just feels like forever, it has been a while since I posted. I tried the pen and paper approach for a while and even that has fallen by the wayside. I think as usual, I can't think of anything interesting to talk about at length. Even when I have an idea I wouldn't remember it long enough to sit down and write about it. I could, in theory, write it through my phone. Which was the intention of getting this phone at the first place, but it has been acting up lately. I have a tendency to abandon ideas quickly when my perceived needs outgrow the technology in my possession.

With that said. I'm looking to get a new phone next month. Something of a Christmas present for myself. It's not going to be what you think. I opt for freedom rather then loyalty. There are a few factors that is prohibiting/discouraging me to get what my friend dubbed the iTrend. It is inevitable that I shall move on from the current device that has served me well in the last year and a half. I'm just getting sick of having to reboot it every couple of hours in order to make a call.

This in turn made me think about my shopping habit. In regards to technology, I am not loyal to any brand. All I look to is the feature and the amount of control I possess to that particular piece of technology. I have a feeling that makes me a minority when it comes to people who likes to shop as much as I do. I don't always make the purchase, but when I do, I look for the best balance between price and features. I can be a bit of a nightmare to providers because I am so hard to please sometimes.

With the advance of technology I have become more mobile. I like to have services that allows me to update and be updated on information from the internet on demand. It has been about two months since I had time to just sit down and type out what I think. The use of mobile technology is important to me. I just may go insane without it. I'm still in the process of developing my own website. I saw a very good example of it yesterday. http://www.worldrider.com/blog/ He used technology on the go to update what was going on. I want to do that. Travel and photography, that is exactly what I was looking to do. I have a lot to aspire to.

Fridays in the office

I feel so brain dead. I haven't been working on a Friday for a month. All I can think of is how much I want to go to sleep and stuff. When I had the time off I didn't know what to do with myself. It's great.

calm before the (prolonged) storm

I saw a couple of really ghetto cars today. One of them is white and pink with chrome all over and the other is lime green with chrome spinners that's filled in with the same puke lime green. Ghettolicious.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time making a tomatillo salsa and eggplant dip. My legs hurt from standing. I haven't figured out if that was any more rewarding then napping the afternoon away. At least I have something to munch on for the next week that is relatively healthy.

I'm going to start working full time for the next six months starting Monday. It's going to be arduous but I am absolutely looking forward to it. It will be a good chance to show off what I can do to many people that will potentially help my career path. I think I'm getting a bit of a power trip from the huge amount of new responsibility. We will see how I fare.

Five day work weeks will also bring a more intense workout schedule. Last week I resolved to start running and I managed to jog three days in a row. I'm great at finding excuses to quit, but having three days on the books is not a bad thing. I felt like I had more energy for the rest of the week. I slept better and I felt a bit tighter. I need more patience with myself. I won't see any real results for a few weeks, and I need to keep working on it constantly. I need to really integrate it into my daily routine. Hopefully it will become second nature to me.

So much to look forward to.