moving forward

The last couple of weeks had been somewhat challenging. It's never easy to start a new job and adjust my schedule. I have more free time now and yet I somehow feel like it's not enough.

I always thought when I have more time to myself I will get more accomplished. It's not the case yet. Maybe I need to have a few more weeks to pass by before I can really arrange myself in that way. I just spend my spare time doing more useless things.

I meant to write more. I still have all these things rattling around my head and when it comes time to putting them down they have gone. I sat down with my moleskine a couple of nights ago and I couldn't put down more then three lines. It was sad really. I had a new pen and everything. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I am going to do something. I get everything primed and ready then lose interest in it entirely. I'm aiming to do much less of that. I've been looking into the things I would like to do. These are the things I want to be a fixture in my website.

I have had the idea of making my own website for the longest time. My problem has always been not having content. Looking back at all the things I have managed to put on the interweb, I think I have more then enough. Sometimes I just can't plan what I am going to do next. All I can do is to have a good idea and general direction of where I want to be. I have this website idea. I bought the domain I think three years ago. I have countless books and tools to help me build this thing and yet my biggest problem was not knowing what I want to put in it at the first place.

I can write. I want to write. I need help in nudging myself into writing something interesting. What is interesting to me might not be interesting to other people. I used to think I need to find that one thing that interests other people. I want to have a lot of people looking at my work. Now I understand that it really doesn't matter. I only need one person to be interested in my contents. I need to have the interest in the things myself. I'm not doing this to disseminate knowledge and ideas. I'm doing this to just showcase myself, to me. Something to make me feel I have accomplished something in my life. I'm worth something.

The thing about my writing is I do it best when I feel passionate about something. I was mad about something a little while back and I think that was my best writing in a while. I push out some ideas in a short span of time. The ideas were clear and concise. I highlighted my emotions at that point. It was a snapshot of the person I was at that momement. It felt good to do it.

I finally realize what would help me write moving forward. I need to feel passionate about myself, my life, my work, my wants, my loves.

A few weeks ago I finalized the broad categories to what I want to be in the website. Which seems like a really small thing. I spent close to a decade thinking about these things and it only took me a few months to finally put it down. It's werid. That whole discovering yourself thing. To probably no ones suprised it took putting it down in writing to figure it out. Putting things into words grounds me. It helps me visualize verbalize what I think is best. Sometimes I wish I had started doing this much earlier in life. I never really imagine how much the written word can help me. I really don't do this enough.