I drove down my street a couple of mornings ago on my way to work. A dark blue Dodge Neon streaked by with a huge Alaskan husky hanging half-way out the passenger side window. He looked pretty damn happy. It was the first of May.
Last week I had been in a funk. I did not feel an inkling of happiness. I could not enjoy every little joyous bits of life. Every morning when I woke up I was looking into blackness. Ironically the days are starting earlier so I was actually looking at dawn. I felt like I needed to be still. Just stop and make the feeling go away. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Four years to be exact. Once again I felt unaccomplished, unsure about the future, and felt let down. The weird thing was, I didn't do anything wrong this time. I was not failing out of school again. I have a good job and I have been responsible. But all of a sudden my mind just crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. There was nothing that could pick me up. I was just going through the motions. Putting one foot in front of the other. Then I saw that dog.
That husky reminded me of the simpler things in life. To live in the moment and appreciate the little things. Go and do what I like. I took a long lunch and cared even less about work. Went to a BBQ buffet with my friends that night and skipped the subsequent long run. I took a mental health day yesterday. I just plain did not care. I slept a lot and I ate food that are bad for me. I haven't felt that good in a week.
I only feel hopeless when I set unrealistic expectations.
I got up bright and early this morning for the farmers market. I had no idea what I wanted to make. I just let the fresh produce guide me. It's tempting to get everything and when I'm not careful I get sucker into things. Don't take any samples unless you want to be guilt into buying something. I was happy with my discoveries last week and was not impress with the ones this week. I'll stick to what I know next time.
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
pledge
I spent the whole afternoon watching a KQED pledge drive. It reminds me of my desire to travel. The opening lines from a Tuscany episode awakened another desire. Italy is the size of California. I don't remember how many times I have heard Northern California compared to Tuscany. I have yet to really explore.
I'm spending the rest of the day resting up and recover from my 10k. Tomorrow is a rest day by design. Rest from exercising yes, but I will be (hopefully) doing lots. I plan on going to the farmers market tomorrow to pick up some fresh produce and artisan food. I have heirloom beans grown on the San Mateo Coast soaking on the stove. I think it warrant some locally grown produce. I haven't had Acme bread for a long while and I think I need to pick up a baguette for lunch. I'm hoping for some pastry and cheese as well. We shall see.
I have to finish at least three more things off my projects list before Friday. I need to get at least five things off my list by the end of the month. I have a thing or two that are already checked off the list that are sort of cheat items. They are mostly chip off the on-going projects. Things such as reading a specific book and organizing my photos are certainly thing I had to do at the first place. So many things to take care of. I need to come up with a few more projects as well. I love having a large amount of things to do with no specific time limit. It makes me feel productive.
I am writing this while I am watching Game 5 of Sharks vs. Ducks. I have faith. They are looking like they want it so far.
I need to work on the list of places I want to go. I think I will start it tomorrow. Perhaps I need to make a separate page for it. I'm thinking a list of region, country, city, quarters, etc. Delving in various places I want to go. Just like my projects page. Another segment of the show also reminded me of another thing I like. I need to read into the history. It is so much better to understand the history of a particular place before visiting it. When I was in Paris I did not know enough of the history of the place. I spent nine days in the city that I knew next to nothing about. The Latin quarter was called as such because that was where the university was and scholars only spoke Latin. I stood in front of an obelisk at the spot where the guillotine once stood. I didn't know any of that. This seems like a great time to assemble my knowledge and figure out where to go next. In the mean time I will have to explore Northern California. I want to see the coast, the city, north of the Golden Gate. I want to really know how to appreciate it.
I think this is also linked to my first love. I want to go places to take photos. I want to know what I'm looking at.
I ran a 10k today. That is 6.21 miles. After reading the marathon book I had many good ideas. I did it in a run/walk fashion and my body feels like I only ran half that distance. Run 4 minutes and walk 1. I repeated that cycle until I was done. I toughed it out, and my knees do not hurt. I added another tool after reading the book as well. I got myself a new heart rate monitor. It helps to know how hard my body is working. I have to keep myself at about 160 to 170 bpm to be at the optimal fat burning point. In the past I have been working way too hard. I come out from the workout hurting. I learned how to make myself be patient with my body. I can't take the kind of work out I thought I was suppose to. I'm in the slow group right now and that is that. For now I need to take the run/walk approach. It feels like the interval amount is working well for me so far. I will have to add minutes to the run interval gradually until I can run the entire way.
Finishing a long distance run makes me feel like I can do anything.
I'm spending the rest of the day resting up and recover from my 10k. Tomorrow is a rest day by design. Rest from exercising yes, but I will be (hopefully) doing lots. I plan on going to the farmers market tomorrow to pick up some fresh produce and artisan food. I have heirloom beans grown on the San Mateo Coast soaking on the stove. I think it warrant some locally grown produce. I haven't had Acme bread for a long while and I think I need to pick up a baguette for lunch. I'm hoping for some pastry and cheese as well. We shall see.
I have to finish at least three more things off my projects list before Friday. I need to get at least five things off my list by the end of the month. I have a thing or two that are already checked off the list that are sort of cheat items. They are mostly chip off the on-going projects. Things such as reading a specific book and organizing my photos are certainly thing I had to do at the first place. So many things to take care of. I need to come up with a few more projects as well. I love having a large amount of things to do with no specific time limit. It makes me feel productive.
I am writing this while I am watching Game 5 of Sharks vs. Ducks. I have faith. They are looking like they want it so far.
I need to work on the list of places I want to go. I think I will start it tomorrow. Perhaps I need to make a separate page for it. I'm thinking a list of region, country, city, quarters, etc. Delving in various places I want to go. Just like my projects page. Another segment of the show also reminded me of another thing I like. I need to read into the history. It is so much better to understand the history of a particular place before visiting it. When I was in Paris I did not know enough of the history of the place. I spent nine days in the city that I knew next to nothing about. The Latin quarter was called as such because that was where the university was and scholars only spoke Latin. I stood in front of an obelisk at the spot where the guillotine once stood. I didn't know any of that. This seems like a great time to assemble my knowledge and figure out where to go next. In the mean time I will have to explore Northern California. I want to see the coast, the city, north of the Golden Gate. I want to really know how to appreciate it.
I think this is also linked to my first love. I want to go places to take photos. I want to know what I'm looking at.
I ran a 10k today. That is 6.21 miles. After reading the marathon book I had many good ideas. I did it in a run/walk fashion and my body feels like I only ran half that distance. Run 4 minutes and walk 1. I repeated that cycle until I was done. I toughed it out, and my knees do not hurt. I added another tool after reading the book as well. I got myself a new heart rate monitor. It helps to know how hard my body is working. I have to keep myself at about 160 to 170 bpm to be at the optimal fat burning point. In the past I have been working way too hard. I come out from the workout hurting. I learned how to make myself be patient with my body. I can't take the kind of work out I thought I was suppose to. I'm in the slow group right now and that is that. For now I need to take the run/walk approach. It feels like the interval amount is working well for me so far. I will have to add minutes to the run interval gradually until I can run the entire way.
Finishing a long distance run makes me feel like I can do anything.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
definition please
I have been saying year after year that I don't know who I am and who I want to be. I think I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to get a better idea. One of the most interesting thing I found is that I can be explained by some of my goals and aspirations. I started writing down things I want to and intend to do. I'm healthy, crafty, and literary.
Out of all my hobbies photography is my first love and finding ways to share them is a close second. I love books. I have a ton of books. I want to read them and I have been too lazy. I love to crochet. I like making my own bed covers. Organization and decoration is important for me.
I'm a runner. Mentally. Now I need to get to it physically. I like the solitude of running. The sense of accomplishment. The freedom of going the distance.
I'm a runner-photographer.
Out of all my hobbies photography is my first love and finding ways to share them is a close second. I love books. I have a ton of books. I want to read them and I have been too lazy. I love to crochet. I like making my own bed covers. Organization and decoration is important for me.
I'm a runner. Mentally. Now I need to get to it physically. I like the solitude of running. The sense of accomplishment. The freedom of going the distance.
I'm a runner-photographer.
Friday, March 27, 2009
some assembly required
I feel like such a fraud. I have so many different pieces in place and all I need is the glue to hold it together. I'm low on motivation, and that happens to be the thing that holds it well. I've been letting things go and I really need to take control back. I need short term goals.
I don't hate my job, but I would not mind doing something entirely different. I have not found my calling yet it seems. Shuffling paper is not what I live for. I ended up tossing about 1100 documents today. That's about 1500 pages I went through. I listened to the radio and plowed through it. Amazingly I still have another box to go.
I understands that office jobs pays the bills that will come inevitably. I just don't feel like I'm in the right office. I don't hate my job at all, but the down time recently has been killing me. The whole idea of having to find something to do. I feel so wasteful.
I did not lose any weight compared to last week. But considering I gain back a bit last week, I am stepping into the wrong direction. I can do it. I just don't feel like it. Once again I feel like I'm doing this for other people and it does not sit well with me.
I'm sick of doing things to please other people. That being people around me. I just feel like I'm holding back myself because I need to please other people. Meanwhile I can not figure out what makes me happy. I just feel like I'm back to pieces, like I was before.
I don't hate my job, but I would not mind doing something entirely different. I have not found my calling yet it seems. Shuffling paper is not what I live for. I ended up tossing about 1100 documents today. That's about 1500 pages I went through. I listened to the radio and plowed through it. Amazingly I still have another box to go.
I understands that office jobs pays the bills that will come inevitably. I just don't feel like I'm in the right office. I don't hate my job at all, but the down time recently has been killing me. The whole idea of having to find something to do. I feel so wasteful.
I did not lose any weight compared to last week. But considering I gain back a bit last week, I am stepping into the wrong direction. I can do it. I just don't feel like it. Once again I feel like I'm doing this for other people and it does not sit well with me.
I'm sick of doing things to please other people. That being people around me. I just feel like I'm holding back myself because I need to please other people. Meanwhile I can not figure out what makes me happy. I just feel like I'm back to pieces, like I was before.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
wind
This weekend was excessively windy, but it was great. I did not get much done, but it was still great. I feel rested and I finished a book. I feel accomplished.
I did a bit of rearrangement. The macchiato daily blog is not just my mug shot any more. I made it into a blog of random photos and daily projects. Most of these photos are going to be from my phone and not of the artsy blog quality. I think it's a good place for me to just show off what my days are like and random observations.
I finally finished another book and I'm craving for more. When I first started out on this quest of reading, my goal was to try to clear out the huge amount of great books I have accumulated over the years. I have been reading, but mostly downloaded classics off my phone out of convenience. Meanwhile I had been rewarding myself with more books. I'm in a bit of a paperback deficit here. I'll work on it.
I did a bit of rearrangement. The macchiato daily blog is not just my mug shot any more. I made it into a blog of random photos and daily projects. Most of these photos are going to be from my phone and not of the artsy blog quality. I think it's a good place for me to just show off what my days are like and random observations.
I finally finished another book and I'm craving for more. When I first started out on this quest of reading, my goal was to try to clear out the huge amount of great books I have accumulated over the years. I have been reading, but mostly downloaded classics off my phone out of convenience. Meanwhile I had been rewarding myself with more books. I'm in a bit of a paperback deficit here. I'll work on it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
first day of spring
There is something funny about having a fresh start. You become bold and wanting to steer yourself into a different direction. I am running again. It feels good. I've been running 4 miles every few days. My goal is to run 5 miles four to five times per week and be able to run at least one half-marathon length every weekend. It will take some practice.
About being bold, I'm somewhat butting heads with people at work. Politely of course. If you want me to take something off your hands, I need to know what you want me to do is all. I don't do vague. There needs to be consistency. I wrote a couple of epic emails to half the department to get some clarity. I am good at being diplomatic and analytical when I give background to my questions. I think it shows I can be a good manager. It's not that I hate my job. There is no room to grow. I hope I get that other job.
It might rain tomorrow. I want to get some good pictures of fresh leaves. My photo blog is coming along quite well. It requires little maintenance. I just need to queue up another batch of photos this weekend and I'll be set for the next few months. I just need to take more photos in the time being.
We drove up to Communications Hill last night. He lived up there for a few months. It's breathtaking. I did not know there was such a place close by. Granted the town homes are cramped, but the view sure is nice. Something to consider for the future.
The weekend could not come sooner.
About being bold, I'm somewhat butting heads with people at work. Politely of course. If you want me to take something off your hands, I need to know what you want me to do is all. I don't do vague. There needs to be consistency. I wrote a couple of epic emails to half the department to get some clarity. I am good at being diplomatic and analytical when I give background to my questions. I think it shows I can be a good manager. It's not that I hate my job. There is no room to grow. I hope I get that other job.
It might rain tomorrow. I want to get some good pictures of fresh leaves. My photo blog is coming along quite well. It requires little maintenance. I just need to queue up another batch of photos this weekend and I'll be set for the next few months. I just need to take more photos in the time being.
We drove up to Communications Hill last night. He lived up there for a few months. It's breathtaking. I did not know there was such a place close by. Granted the town homes are cramped, but the view sure is nice. Something to consider for the future.
The weekend could not come sooner.
Monday, March 16, 2009
I need a sign
I've been looking for a new job within the company while I still have the chance. I feel so very uninspired by the lack of prospect of the position I am in. I have an interview sometime this week for a filler position in the next department over. It will be a good change if I can get it. If not, I'm looking at the prospect of going back to school if I really can't find anything else. I got lucky on my only job interview right out of school. I don't want to be over confident with my next job.
I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. All I know is it's not this.
I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. All I know is it's not this.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
the shirt I wore last night
This reminded me of the many weight loss commercials I've seen over the years. Skinny people holding up their fat pants showing how far they have come. I dug up an old shirt to wear to sleep last night and it was loose. I remember it to be fairly snug when I wore it last. Feels good. I want it to be even bigger. More work is needed. 5 miles tomorrow maybe?
Friday, March 13, 2009
I won't bore you
I realized at some point in time that one of the things that went wrong with my previous incarnation of the blog is that I started putting my projects on here. Inception, progress, ranting, and reiteration. I often can't remember what exactly it was I put on here and inevitably the ideas get lost.
I got myself a notebook with the intention of writing them down. Didn't happen. I don't feel like lugging around a notebook and such. I'm online all the time. Why not just start a blog and use that like a notebook or something? This way I can share it too. So came macchiato projects.
It's pretty self explanatory. I made it so it is easy to navigate between projects and various updates.
I'm tired. I should have been asleep two hours ago. Then I dragged my tired butt up to the house and am in my other bed. 4.59 miles is a lot any way you slice it.
I got myself a notebook with the intention of writing them down. Didn't happen. I don't feel like lugging around a notebook and such. I'm online all the time. Why not just start a blog and use that like a notebook or something? This way I can share it too. So came macchiato projects.
It's pretty self explanatory. I made it so it is easy to navigate between projects and various updates.
I'm tired. I should have been asleep two hours ago. Then I dragged my tired butt up to the house and am in my other bed. 4.59 miles is a lot any way you slice it.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
nest
It happens every spring. A pile of twigs on my stairs. Some confused dove spends an entire day arranging twigs precariously on my porch light for a nest; only to be startled by the opening of my door and dash off, scattering the twigs on my steps. A false start.
It's been unreasonably cold the past few days. This is what I call half-ass weather. If it's this cold, it might as well be snowing. A few weeks back it was, don't bother me with this drizzle, might as well be pouring. I like my weather conditions to be full on. I know I'm pretty well insulated, but I still don't like this cold.
I've been thinking about my options lately. It doesn't look like I have too much longer on this job. I might be out of it as soon as May. I can look for another job or I can go back to school. I went to Borders for a bit last night to look for study materials. the GMAT doesn't look too hard. I can handle that with a bit of a brush up. Interestingly enough the LSAT caught my eyes. I know I want to get some graduate studies under my belt, but law? Maybe. I did enjoy the legal issues classes most when I was studying HR. I can probably do it, but I just don't think I want it bad enough.
It's been unreasonably cold the past few days. This is what I call half-ass weather. If it's this cold, it might as well be snowing. A few weeks back it was, don't bother me with this drizzle, might as well be pouring. I like my weather conditions to be full on. I know I'm pretty well insulated, but I still don't like this cold.
I've been thinking about my options lately. It doesn't look like I have too much longer on this job. I might be out of it as soon as May. I can look for another job or I can go back to school. I went to Borders for a bit last night to look for study materials. the GMAT doesn't look too hard. I can handle that with a bit of a brush up. Interestingly enough the LSAT caught my eyes. I know I want to get some graduate studies under my belt, but law? Maybe. I did enjoy the legal issues classes most when I was studying HR. I can probably do it, but I just don't think I want it bad enough.
Saturday, March 07, 2009
pictures
I finally looked through all my pictures in flickr. I pulled all the ones I like into my favorites folders. I went ahead and queued up all the pictures of just myself on the daily me tumblr as backups. I now need to work on putting those new "favorites" into the queue of my photo blog. I've been meaning to do this for a very long time. As time moved on it got more difficult because of the sheer amount of photos I have.
I've been meaning to document the projects I want to work on. I realize I've been working on it unconsciously. Revising my various blogs, reorganizing my room, picking through my photos, and queuing up my photo blogs. Next I need to update my library thing catalog and sort through my scrap book stuff. Everything is connected.
As soon as I figure out what pieces I can use to put in a layout, I can start printing out the best pictures for each and vice versa. I don't know how much more layouts I can work on. I honestly think I do a much better job at making little crafty things with my craft supplies then making layouts. With the investment I made in art supplies, I almost feel obligated to create something.
I need to get back to reading. I really lagged behind. I also need to finish up the throw I'm crocheting. I think I need to make some sort of schedule. I need to work all my projects and workouts into my lazy days. As a matter of fact I spent an hour making a huge rubber band ball. Great use of my time. But at least I know what I need to do. Some things are rolling along.
I like how everything in coming together.
I've been meaning to document the projects I want to work on. I realize I've been working on it unconsciously. Revising my various blogs, reorganizing my room, picking through my photos, and queuing up my photo blogs. Next I need to update my library thing catalog and sort through my scrap book stuff. Everything is connected.
As soon as I figure out what pieces I can use to put in a layout, I can start printing out the best pictures for each and vice versa. I don't know how much more layouts I can work on. I honestly think I do a much better job at making little crafty things with my craft supplies then making layouts. With the investment I made in art supplies, I almost feel obligated to create something.
I need to get back to reading. I really lagged behind. I also need to finish up the throw I'm crocheting. I think I need to make some sort of schedule. I need to work all my projects and workouts into my lazy days. As a matter of fact I spent an hour making a huge rubber band ball. Great use of my time. But at least I know what I need to do. Some things are rolling along.
I like how everything in coming together.
Friday, March 06, 2009
the whole weightloss thing
I woke up this morning thinking about how much I need to work out and such. I'm done with the whole progressive distance from 1 mile thing. It doesn't work. I need to start at 5k at the very least. Then when I was browsing consumerist this morning I found this: http://www.344pounds.com/. It's the most inspirational blog I have ever seen. This guy was at 344 pounds and already lost 32 pounds in 6 weeks.
There are a few things I need to keep in mind. For every 3500 calories burned, it's a pound. I think it's time I start guesstimating my calorie intake. That goes hand in hand with my exercise plan. I'm thinking perhaps I should change my meter on the iPod from distance to calories. That might work a lot better. I can gradually increase the workout level/distance. Maybe I should put back together the whole DDR setup again. When I get a bit lighter that is.
One main part of how his plan works is his eating habits. He said you can eat whatever you want, just limit the amount of intake. I have been saying that for a very long time. While I was reading that part I overheard somebody talking about changing her diet etc. How many times have I said it doesn't work? It doesn't. Anyone who does it will just start binging again. Drink lots of water. I just had 10 oz of water while writing this. I can do this all day long.
I find the only way I can motivate myself is to quantify all of this into numbers.
Let's do a little bit of math. I'm at 189 right now, I rounded up for once. I want to be at about 120 eventually. We're looking at about 70 pounds. Let's say I eat about 2000 calories every day, more give then take. I used an online calculator and it estimates I use about 2000 calories per day. Which make sense because I've been maintaining my weight at that point. From that I estimate my intake to be about 350 more then what I should have to maintain weight because I have been gaining about a 10th of a pound a day. So it looks like my calorie intake is about 2350 with the basal rate at about 2000. For every mile I run it's about 120 calories. Which means I need to run at least 3 miles to keep my current weight. If I want to lose a pound a day I need to run 29 miles plus that 3 miles to maintain what I had before. 32 Miles. That's more then a marathon. Obviously I need to scale down. I can most likely manage 5 miles per day at the current intensity. Obviously more calories will be burn at a higher intensity, but I would like to keep it at 120 just to lower expectations. I can probably do 5 days a week at 5 miles. That is 3000 calories burned. I need to burn 2450 to maintain my weight. That is and extra 550 burnt. Which translates to .15 pounds lost per week. At that rate it will take me 9 years to get to 120 pounds.
Let's say I want to lose half a pound a week. That is 1750 calories plus the 2450 for maintain. So that's 4200 per week. 35 miles. 7 miles for each of 5 workout day. That is doable. I can lose another half a pound if I stick to 2000 calories per day. That changed my outlook to 2 years 9 months to get to about 120 pounds. If I watch the things I eat I can cut that down to 1 year 6 months.
840 calories per workout day. I would like to round that up to 850. I can do that in a couple of different forms of exercise. Running is preferred. The elliptical and stationary bike also works. At the moment I don't want to commit to any sort of class. I can split up my workouts as well. As long as I get that 850 per day.
I feel so inspired.
There are a few things I need to keep in mind. For every 3500 calories burned, it's a pound. I think it's time I start guesstimating my calorie intake. That goes hand in hand with my exercise plan. I'm thinking perhaps I should change my meter on the iPod from distance to calories. That might work a lot better. I can gradually increase the workout level/distance. Maybe I should put back together the whole DDR setup again. When I get a bit lighter that is.
One main part of how his plan works is his eating habits. He said you can eat whatever you want, just limit the amount of intake. I have been saying that for a very long time. While I was reading that part I overheard somebody talking about changing her diet etc. How many times have I said it doesn't work? It doesn't. Anyone who does it will just start binging again. Drink lots of water. I just had 10 oz of water while writing this. I can do this all day long.
I find the only way I can motivate myself is to quantify all of this into numbers.
Let's do a little bit of math. I'm at 189 right now, I rounded up for once. I want to be at about 120 eventually. We're looking at about 70 pounds. Let's say I eat about 2000 calories every day, more give then take. I used an online calculator and it estimates I use about 2000 calories per day. Which make sense because I've been maintaining my weight at that point. From that I estimate my intake to be about 350 more then what I should have to maintain weight because I have been gaining about a 10th of a pound a day. So it looks like my calorie intake is about 2350 with the basal rate at about 2000. For every mile I run it's about 120 calories. Which means I need to run at least 3 miles to keep my current weight. If I want to lose a pound a day I need to run 29 miles plus that 3 miles to maintain what I had before. 32 Miles. That's more then a marathon. Obviously I need to scale down. I can most likely manage 5 miles per day at the current intensity. Obviously more calories will be burn at a higher intensity, but I would like to keep it at 120 just to lower expectations. I can probably do 5 days a week at 5 miles. That is 3000 calories burned. I need to burn 2450 to maintain my weight. That is and extra 550 burnt. Which translates to .15 pounds lost per week. At that rate it will take me 9 years to get to 120 pounds.
Let's say I want to lose half a pound a week. That is 1750 calories plus the 2450 for maintain. So that's 4200 per week. 35 miles. 7 miles for each of 5 workout day. That is doable. I can lose another half a pound if I stick to 2000 calories per day. That changed my outlook to 2 years 9 months to get to about 120 pounds. If I watch the things I eat I can cut that down to 1 year 6 months.
840 calories per workout day. I would like to round that up to 850. I can do that in a couple of different forms of exercise. Running is preferred. The elliptical and stationary bike also works. At the moment I don't want to commit to any sort of class. I can split up my workouts as well. As long as I get that 850 per day.
I feel so inspired.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
HGTV
I'm addicted to HGTV. I spent the whole day watching HGTV. It's fun. It makes me feel so good about my room. Besides that I actually got a lot of things done. That mess of stuff on my shelf is finally sorted. I did my taxes. The laundry is put away. Uploaded some pictures. Reorganized my blogs. Crochet half a yarn while watching the game. I think that's pretty good.
My favorite show so far is Design on a Dime. One of the main thing all shows does is paint. I'm already well ahead on that. I have purple walls and an offsetting red chair. Dark wood looking furniture gives it a sophisticated look. I'm thinking about painting my bookshelf. It's an old white plywood shelf, but I think it might look good in black. Maybe I will finally finish my unfinished wood utility shelf.
I have so many things I want to do.
My favorite show so far is Design on a Dime. One of the main thing all shows does is paint. I'm already well ahead on that. I have purple walls and an offsetting red chair. Dark wood looking furniture gives it a sophisticated look. I'm thinking about painting my bookshelf. It's an old white plywood shelf, but I think it might look good in black. Maybe I will finally finish my unfinished wood utility shelf.
I have so many things I want to do.
migration (again)
I decided to keep words on this blog and keep my tumblr as a photo blog. Here's a bit of a backlog.
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monkeys are smarter than people
I have heard somewhere a long time ago about how if you put a huge amount of monkeys with typewriters in a room, they will eventually produce all the words for a work of Shakespeare. I started a little project the other day using Twitter. http://twitterato.tumblr.com/ is a small subset of somewhat interesting twitts using the element of timing and chance. I’m having a lot of trouble finding relatively interesting ones. I would dare say the amount of people using Twitter is roughly of that suggested for the monkeys example with far worse vocabulary. It is not the number of subjects involved that would make the scenario possible, it is mainly the content. I am convinced that the collective of people on Twitter will never produce such work. Hence my conclusion.
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hammers, drills and all...
I wish I had called out sick today. I’m feeling perfectly healthy, it would probably be bad karma if I did. They are rebuilding a whole side of our department. It’s suppose to be a good thing. Turns out the draftsman was on crack and nothing makes sense. Why in hell would you block out the windows with high walls instead of making them accessible with low walls. It’s dark. Sounds like he drew the desks in wrong as well. It doesn’t look right to the guys putting the cubes up. He also drew the walls in small. It didn’t line up the way that would grant a shred of privacy. Genius.
It’s loud and I can’t really focus. Might as well not be here.
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books, or the lack there of
I spent a good amount of time playing with my phone yesterday. I finally got around to download a new browser. I have no idea how I have ever lived without Opera mobile. It’s fast and can display in full screen. Another great thing I discovered yesterday was a site call feedbooks.com. It was off an article on either consumerist or gizmodo regarding how Amazon’s prices for digital books have been creeping up. feedbooks have taken a lot of material off of project Gutenberg. I was initially excited about the project, but I realize I don’t particularly like reading off my computer screen, not even my 40”. At my discovery, I promptly downloaded a reader on my phone and started downloading classical works of literature. At this point I have already read a short story by Vonnegut and am well on my way on Around the World in Eighty Days. How appropriate is it to be reading Jules Verne on my phone?
No offense to the people who recommaned some books for me in recent months, but I’ve been meaning to read some things that are more meaty. I read the few things that were sent my way. I quickly dispatched them and I don’t think I’ve gotten much from them. This is my chance to dig into some essential classics, literary roots. I want to be more well read and be able to understand some things in context. I want to be a snob who subscribes to Foreign Affairs, The Economist, and The New Yorker. I want to write better, and know what I am writing about. I want to have an opinion on things and be able to write about them in the correct context.
A long time ago I thought going to college would turn me into such a person. Perhaps I should have accepted the offer to attend UCSC and be an English major. I think it would have suited me better. Instead, the whole college experience left me exhausted and cynical. I want to make up for lost time by doing my own research into higher level thinking.
Better late then never.
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bohemian at heart
There was discussion the other night in regards to hobbies and interests. The phrase “jack of all trades, master of none” came in to mind. That is a fitting description of the many different things I claim to have interest in. I have all the tools I need for many of these ventures and yet I can’t seem to focus.
Motivation is something I have never been familiar with. I just hum along, do what needs to be done. I started writing a list yesterday for things I have been wanting to do. Main projects and variations. I filled up a page so far in my little note book and I know there is more. They all sound interesting. Things I wouldn’t remember if I don’t have it down in writing.
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I saw a guy playing the keytar yesterday at Santana Row
Hellooooo 80’s! I didn’t know you made a comeback. There were a few photos I should have taken. The keytar guy for one. The obscenely long line at Pinkberry (it was ok). The “Look Right —>” graphic painted on the asphalt. I spent most of my day at this beacon of opulence. Something about that place just makes people want to spend money. Maybe I have grown cynical in my old age, but I can’t seem to find myself tapping into that mindset. It’s ironic that without these frivolous shoppers our economy would be in worse shape. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it.
I did purchase a few nonessential items and gifts. I spent a good chunk of time hovering over a table at Borders free writing into my Moleskine. Something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. Mostly thoughts I want to keep to myself or just plain old ideas. There are so many different things rattling around in my head. I like to push it all out on paper for some clarity.
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Charlie would be pissed.
In honor of my birthday, we played pin the horn on the unicorn at the office. Yes there are pictures. There were no prizes. It just occured to me that Chalie would not be amused.
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family
I had a thought this morning as I was getting ready for work. Aside from my parents, I don’t have any more family around here. I’ve never been close to my extended family, even when we were physically located in the same city. I think there was too much of an age gap either way in either direction. I don’t think I have really gotten comfortable with anyone at all. No matter how friendly I am with people, I always keep a bit of distance. I’m a bit of a social outcast in that way. I don’t have a go to person, a so-called best friend.
I don’t know if that is my personality or if it is the way I was conditioned. I do believe I have been severely sheltered. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I have a problem with trust and issues with abandonment. I don’t think it helps that I often have morbid thoughts running through my head. What if?… I think on some level I’ve been conditioned to think I can’t take care of myself. I’m trying to not think about it.
I think I need a vacation to get away from everything for a little while.
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How is Steve?
One of my new peeve ever since I started this job is when people ask me that question. Who do you think I am. Why would I know. I’m physically 4 blocks away from the main campus. You think he would trot down here and chat me up? New today is he is taking a leave of absence. Do I know that ahead of time? No. Which comes to another point.
I don’t think too many people within the company really care if Steve is working or not. Do we function any differently upon the slightest rumors? No. People outside of the company really need to chill out.
/rant
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at the ripe old age of 27
I don’t feel any different. One of my old high school friend pointed out it’s another step closer to 30. Thanks for pointing that out, you’re no spring chicken either. I highly doubt I will feel any different when I reach 30. Anyway. Just like any other day to me. The girls at the office decorated my cube. So cute. I expected as much. I really appreciate it.
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new year, new (sicklier) you!
Every year around this time, usually earlier, I feel obliged to make this post. Usually reflection on the year before and things to look ahead into this new year. Normally this would come a bit earlier in the week, but guess what, I got really sick. Long story short, I got tonsillitis and was on vicodin all weekend. This sort of put things into perspective for me.
New year represents a period of renewal. A time when you reminisce about the good things from the past year and forget the not so good. It is a time to start fresh again, hence people and their silly resolutions. I can’t say this holds true for me in the past. As I said before, holidays does not necessarily holds the same meaning for me then for the next person. I have not voluntarily taken a break in a long time. I worked through the winter break, only taking four days off during the official shut down. I didn’t go anywhere. I just stayed home and treated it like regular work weeks. When I got sick, I tried to figure out my recovery time and thought I would be fine to work on Monday morning. My manager got word I was sick and told to take a couple of days off, no arm twisting needed. I didn’t realize how badly I needed a real break.
I put priority to many things that are external. I never really get around to do things just for myself. I wanted to make it to work on Monday because the team needed me to be there to so a particular part of the process. I wasn’t thinking about how physically capable I would be when the time comes. As long as the job gets done. That goes with a lot of things: school, family, significant other, friends, etc. This is probably a good time to take stock and figure out what makes me tick.
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lipstick and perfume
I finally finished reallocating everything in my room and bathroom. It’s pretty much the way I want it. It will never be perfect, be it’s close. I don’t normally wear lipstick and perfume, but I happen to have a rather large collection. Maybe me in the past is trying to tell me something. I have everything organized and laid out instead of stashed in baggies in boxes on an obscure shelf in my room.
Story of my life. For once I finished a project. It has been an interesting adventure reorganizing my room. It is like exploring the person I am in third person by looking through my stuff. I found many interesting things packed away through the years. Things here and there, never centralized. I think that is much like the way I function. I am not good at concentrating on single subject. My mind wanders to various things that interests me. Scattered, unfocused, bits and pieces everywhere, I have no idea what I already have and look outward for more. All I end up doing is bury what I do possess.
I think I got to a point in my life where I have paid my due and can finally try to enjoy myself. It’s hard, the process of cleaning up gradually and finally have everything at my fingertips. It takes time and tenacity.
I’m looking forward to the new year.
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things to do on a saturday afternoon
Today is already a wash. Despite having a great nights sleep and coughing less, I still have no desire to head out to explore. Having lived in the bay area for most of my life there is surprisingly few things I can think of off top of my head to do on a weekend. I practically grew up at the mall. I know the layout of he place, where everything is, and can plot out the most efficient route in my head. I am at a lost outside of that familiar landscape.
I have been thinking about involving myself with fun activities that costs close to nothing. Utilizing things I already have, mainly my camera. Using things I already have, doing something different, and saving money for more important things are just some of the obvious reasons I can think of. I have accumulated all the things I would potentially need at this point in my life. I should figure out what it is I have set myself up for.
I feel blessed.
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Relationship views
Oh how it changes over experience. I haven’t had that many relationships in the past, and I rarely did any casual dating. But I think I can safely say I learn some sort of lesson from each one of them.
I no longer believe in dating/getting into relationships with established friends. It’s not worth it. When you change gears with somebody, it can never go back. I’m out a couple of otherwise lifelong friends because of this. I tried to put myself out there a bit in the last couple of years. More as a joke at first. I haven’t been desperately looking for a relationship. I finally started to enjoy being myself. I would be lying if I say something wasn’t missing. I wouldn’t find anything if I didn’t throw myself out there in some way. Good thing I did.
Try not to get too attached and set expectations low or carry none at all. I personally don’t really expect much out of a relationship. What is it about two people being together that invites other people to plant ideas on what an ideal relationship should be like? What I finally got through my head is that what other people say really doesn’t matter. My expectation? Just be good to me and care. That’s all. No material things nor things said can compare to the feeling I get when I snuggle up into caring arms on a cold night.
There is no expiration date. One person I was with defined a “honeymoon” period. As if he was counting down to the day when he doesn’t have to pay as much attention to me anymore. Everything was so formulaic for him. Why put in so much effort at the first place? When I’m with somebody, it’s all in. I either am or am not. There is no holding back for me. If I don’t feel that strongly about somebody, there is no point.
I’m not the first one to use the L word. It’s a self preservation thing. I found it useful sometime to keep my mouth shut. It certainly prevents me from saying things I don’t mean. On the same token I’m also not saying everything I feel. I think I just need to get over the anxiety of what would come after the words leaves my mouth. I’ve been waiting for the right moment. But I should know better. There is no right moment.
I guess that is all I can think of for now.
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christmas for me is...
I haven’t really given it much thought in the last few years. I think this is yet another one of those things that I let other people dictate the way I act. The meaning of Christmas to me is a time when everyone suddenly loves one another and there is a whole lot of shopping to do. It’s all so obligatory. I suppose my foray into Judaism has something to do with it. Christmas is just not that huge of a deal to me anymore. I honestly don’t remember why it was such a huge deal at the first place. Maybe it was all the presents and get together. It just doesn’t hold anything special for me.
When I was back in elementary school in Hong Kong, I was often picked as the angel to recite passages from the bible in the Christmas pageant. I had no idea what I was saying, and not that I remember now what they were. I was good at memorization and spoke clearly. That was all that mattered. Christmas was a time for the spotlight to shine on me (literally).
I suppose it was always about the presents. I honestly can’t remember any that really stood out. I must have really wanted them somehow. On a lot of levels I feel like I’ve been influenced into this celebration. But I know in my hear the true meaning of Christmas is lost on me. Why pick that one day of the year to be nice to one another? To get somebody something special? To forgive and forget?
I pulled out Love Actually and watched it just now. It’s a great movie. It’s not the cheery, omg I’m glowing with with… cheer… type of movie. It’s just people dealing with their feelings. Christmas is just the backdrop and an “out” for them for their action. I can’t be pretentious and say I’ve watched Christmas movies to bring my spirit up, because I have never done so. I have never watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” all the way through, able to get through the Patrick Stewart version of “A Christmas Carol” just because I’m a Picard fan, and the beagle whined me away from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
I know I’m being somewhat pessimistic about the whole situation, scrooge-like in fact. The only tinge of holiday spirit I felt was when I pour my heart into wrapping up the holiday goodies for my friends and coworkers this year. It was/is always about sharing for me. The look on people’s face when they get soemthing unexpected from me. But the thing that I can’t get over is why just this one day? Why can’t it be an everyday thing? I suppose spending most of the week by myself doesn’t help. I’m sitting here writing about how I don’t feel Christmas listening to Oasis, the band that embodies distaste for loved ones. I think it’s time for another Anchor Steam Christmas Ale. I swear I’m not bitter.
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daily thought dump
-Was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning: Pat Buchanan, you make me lolz.
-Really need to do laundry… I’m down to granny panties.
-I’m a creature of habit when it comes to ordering food, it’s hard press for me to get anything different.
-Animalreview.wordpress.com go there, I lol’d.
-Rumor has it Tom Jones is at the holiday beer bash, *jealous*.
-The photobooth feature on the imac is mucho fun.
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Thank you Microsoft and your co-employment practices. Now I’m out a Wii.
That’s right. There are four of us here in the office that should be holding some sort of prize right now. But noooooo… .we’re not allowed. Thanks Microsuck. Our boss got a Wii. Good for her. But I could have gotten one too. Oh well, I had fun, it was great food and had an open bar. I hope I get to do it again next year.
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Sharks (of the san jose variety)
What happened last night? You guys played like the Sharks of last year. It’s only Detroit. Hockey Town? pffft.. We’ve got Hockey Town WEST! I’m looking to get tickets for the game on 1/13. Day before my birthday. Sharky birthday bash anyone?
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Rick Warren at inauguration.
So a whole bunch of people are all huffy about it apparently. I think the term is anti-gay bigot that they applied to him. I might not like some of the things he believes in, but he does have a wide reaching audience. On the PR side this actually make sense to me. Consider all this “change” going on in this country. It is frightening to the large population of conservatives. It does not matter how progressive you think you are, you always know a few people who are conservative on so called “family value”. I don’t think we should ignore this part of the population because they don’t agree with you. If anything there should be dialog. What better then to reach across the aisle and not alienate. I always believe communication over antagonism is the better way to change people’s mind. So don’t sweat it, it’s only the inauguration of our first (half) black president.
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Diddit.com
This website is ridiculous. http://www.diddit.com/profile/7536/ It seems somewhat pointless, but it’s addictive. Endless lists of random stuff you have done/own/watch/heard/eaten/been to. I’m already past 300 items and I only registered last night. You can also compare your amount of stuff done with your friends, if you can find them that is. There’s still a lot left to be desired on this site, but it’s a good time killer.
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Things on the radar
* Rick Warren at inauguration.
* Relationship views.
* Sharks (of the san jose variety).
* Diddit.com.
* Thank you Microsoft and your co-employment practices. Now I’m out a Wii.
* Random thoughts dump!
Stay tuned.
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a matter of communication
I am more of a literary person over verbal. It’s hard for me to come up with anything to say when pressed. If it’s not on top of my mind I won’t be able to come up with it. If that make sense. I have a lot of ideas flying through my head during the course of the day. Funny things that happens and such. It is all forgotten by the end of the day.
For example, I heard people talking about their astrological signs today. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I did catch one of them saying Capricorns are meticulous and have stick up their asses. At which point I go “excuse me?” Another person had already expressed that sentiment when the sign of Tarus was brought up, so it was just funny when I said it. Yet another person went around and ask what everyone’s signs are. When she asked me, I went, “I”ve got a stick up my ass remember?” Fun at the office.
In the vein of my last post, here are some things that makes me happy in no particular order and by no means an exhaustive list:
* hot shower
* cuddling
* looking out into the pacific
* strolling in the rain
* fresh laundry (which reminds me I need to do laundry tonight >_<)
* a good bargain
* mac ‘n cheese (good like the one from whole foods)
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Overdose on benadryl
I decided it was time to switch my allergy meds this morning and took a couple of benadryl. That’s right, a couple. Not having a label on the container indicating dosage is a dangerous thing. Especially for people that is half awake to begin with. It hit me mid morning like a ton of bricks. I could hardly keep my eyes open. On one level I was freaking out. I knew if I close my eyes it was over. On another level I was dimly aware that I wasn’t sneezing and sniffling at all. It was just a strange morning overall. I have an addictive personality. Once I get myself interested in something I am consumed by it. I think this blog looks pretty spiffy now. There are a few things more I want for it. I’ll just have to learn how to code the layout from scratch. It will be a fun project. In the mean time I am quite happy with the way it handles content. A bit of wisdom for the night: be mindful of others but do not let them dictate your action. A concept learned from many different episodes and lessons. I think I am quite happy with myself right now. I’m not perfect. I still don’t know what I really want in life and what makes me truly happy. I’m looking for ideas of what to do and keep working on my living space. I am glad I have someone I can share all of this with.
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Why this now?
I stopped really posting anything on my main blog the moment I started importing notes on to facebook. I don’t feel like imposing my everyday ranting and imposing my ideas on people. I want to write important stuff there, not just little weird things. This way I still do random little weird updates, notifies people what I have done, and not worry about making an ass of myself.
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migrate
I did a few postings from the phone on blogger prior to making this…. I’m migrating those postings before I take it out for good.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 freeze
It’s freezing cold. It is 37 degrees out and maybe a bit if windchill. I don’t remember the last time having this cold of a winter. I like it, just not used to it. I don’t really expect this type of weather around these parts anymore. So this chill has come on as a sort of surprise. I’m just glad I finally sorted out my closet and I have my warm clothes ready. Posted by Odrini at 8:25 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 On the road?
I suppose the subject of this blog is a bit of a misnomer. More of a wishful thinking if you will. I am, however, finding myself online on my phone 60% of the time with no good means of blogging things of interest. Twitter is a good thing to have when I have some radom little thing to talk about, but space is limited. I don’t feel like putting any more random ranting on my main blog. I also don’t want to post it as a note on facebook. I figure I’ll just make yet another blog.
A few things had to fall into place. I’m online on my phone a ridiculous amount of time to make up for the amount of money I pay for it. I finally got around to setup my email on the phone in a way that is unobtrusive and does not use too much battery. I tired to find a client that would work for windows mobile and failed. There are surprisingly few ways to easily post to blogger from a mobile device. This is the only time when I found the email posting feature to blogs to be useful. The only drawback is that it won’t be easy to post pictures.
Ah well. This way I will start to blog more about things and such.
Posted by Odrini at 7:11 PM 0 comments
First post?
I can’t really fathom why there is no clients for windows mobile out there for blogger that would work right for my phone. In fact it is downright frustrating. Best I can do right now is to use email. Posted by Odrini at 2:53 PM 0 comments
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That's all for now...
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monkeys are smarter than people
I have heard somewhere a long time ago about how if you put a huge amount of monkeys with typewriters in a room, they will eventually produce all the words for a work of Shakespeare. I started a little project the other day using Twitter. http://twitterato.tumblr.com/ is a small subset of somewhat interesting twitts using the element of timing and chance. I’m having a lot of trouble finding relatively interesting ones. I would dare say the amount of people using Twitter is roughly of that suggested for the monkeys example with far worse vocabulary. It is not the number of subjects involved that would make the scenario possible, it is mainly the content. I am convinced that the collective of people on Twitter will never produce such work. Hence my conclusion.
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hammers, drills and all...
I wish I had called out sick today. I’m feeling perfectly healthy, it would probably be bad karma if I did. They are rebuilding a whole side of our department. It’s suppose to be a good thing. Turns out the draftsman was on crack and nothing makes sense. Why in hell would you block out the windows with high walls instead of making them accessible with low walls. It’s dark. Sounds like he drew the desks in wrong as well. It doesn’t look right to the guys putting the cubes up. He also drew the walls in small. It didn’t line up the way that would grant a shred of privacy. Genius.
It’s loud and I can’t really focus. Might as well not be here.
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books, or the lack there of
I spent a good amount of time playing with my phone yesterday. I finally got around to download a new browser. I have no idea how I have ever lived without Opera mobile. It’s fast and can display in full screen. Another great thing I discovered yesterday was a site call feedbooks.com. It was off an article on either consumerist or gizmodo regarding how Amazon’s prices for digital books have been creeping up. feedbooks have taken a lot of material off of project Gutenberg. I was initially excited about the project, but I realize I don’t particularly like reading off my computer screen, not even my 40”. At my discovery, I promptly downloaded a reader on my phone and started downloading classical works of literature. At this point I have already read a short story by Vonnegut and am well on my way on Around the World in Eighty Days. How appropriate is it to be reading Jules Verne on my phone?
No offense to the people who recommaned some books for me in recent months, but I’ve been meaning to read some things that are more meaty. I read the few things that were sent my way. I quickly dispatched them and I don’t think I’ve gotten much from them. This is my chance to dig into some essential classics, literary roots. I want to be more well read and be able to understand some things in context. I want to be a snob who subscribes to Foreign Affairs, The Economist, and The New Yorker. I want to write better, and know what I am writing about. I want to have an opinion on things and be able to write about them in the correct context.
A long time ago I thought going to college would turn me into such a person. Perhaps I should have accepted the offer to attend UCSC and be an English major. I think it would have suited me better. Instead, the whole college experience left me exhausted and cynical. I want to make up for lost time by doing my own research into higher level thinking.
Better late then never.
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bohemian at heart
There was discussion the other night in regards to hobbies and interests. The phrase “jack of all trades, master of none” came in to mind. That is a fitting description of the many different things I claim to have interest in. I have all the tools I need for many of these ventures and yet I can’t seem to focus.
Motivation is something I have never been familiar with. I just hum along, do what needs to be done. I started writing a list yesterday for things I have been wanting to do. Main projects and variations. I filled up a page so far in my little note book and I know there is more. They all sound interesting. Things I wouldn’t remember if I don’t have it down in writing.
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I saw a guy playing the keytar yesterday at Santana Row
Hellooooo 80’s! I didn’t know you made a comeback. There were a few photos I should have taken. The keytar guy for one. The obscenely long line at Pinkberry (it was ok). The “Look Right —>” graphic painted on the asphalt. I spent most of my day at this beacon of opulence. Something about that place just makes people want to spend money. Maybe I have grown cynical in my old age, but I can’t seem to find myself tapping into that mindset. It’s ironic that without these frivolous shoppers our economy would be in worse shape. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it.
I did purchase a few nonessential items and gifts. I spent a good chunk of time hovering over a table at Borders free writing into my Moleskine. Something I’ve been meaning to do for a long time. Mostly thoughts I want to keep to myself or just plain old ideas. There are so many different things rattling around in my head. I like to push it all out on paper for some clarity.
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Charlie would be pissed.
In honor of my birthday, we played pin the horn on the unicorn at the office. Yes there are pictures. There were no prizes. It just occured to me that Chalie would not be amused.
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family
I had a thought this morning as I was getting ready for work. Aside from my parents, I don’t have any more family around here. I’ve never been close to my extended family, even when we were physically located in the same city. I think there was too much of an age gap either way in either direction. I don’t think I have really gotten comfortable with anyone at all. No matter how friendly I am with people, I always keep a bit of distance. I’m a bit of a social outcast in that way. I don’t have a go to person, a so-called best friend.
I don’t know if that is my personality or if it is the way I was conditioned. I do believe I have been severely sheltered. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. I have a problem with trust and issues with abandonment. I don’t think it helps that I often have morbid thoughts running through my head. What if?… I think on some level I’ve been conditioned to think I can’t take care of myself. I’m trying to not think about it.
I think I need a vacation to get away from everything for a little while.
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How is Steve?
One of my new peeve ever since I started this job is when people ask me that question. Who do you think I am. Why would I know. I’m physically 4 blocks away from the main campus. You think he would trot down here and chat me up? New today is he is taking a leave of absence. Do I know that ahead of time? No. Which comes to another point.
I don’t think too many people within the company really care if Steve is working or not. Do we function any differently upon the slightest rumors? No. People outside of the company really need to chill out.
/rant
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at the ripe old age of 27
I don’t feel any different. One of my old high school friend pointed out it’s another step closer to 30. Thanks for pointing that out, you’re no spring chicken either. I highly doubt I will feel any different when I reach 30. Anyway. Just like any other day to me. The girls at the office decorated my cube. So cute. I expected as much. I really appreciate it.
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new year, new (sicklier) you!
Every year around this time, usually earlier, I feel obliged to make this post. Usually reflection on the year before and things to look ahead into this new year. Normally this would come a bit earlier in the week, but guess what, I got really sick. Long story short, I got tonsillitis and was on vicodin all weekend. This sort of put things into perspective for me.
New year represents a period of renewal. A time when you reminisce about the good things from the past year and forget the not so good. It is a time to start fresh again, hence people and their silly resolutions. I can’t say this holds true for me in the past. As I said before, holidays does not necessarily holds the same meaning for me then for the next person. I have not voluntarily taken a break in a long time. I worked through the winter break, only taking four days off during the official shut down. I didn’t go anywhere. I just stayed home and treated it like regular work weeks. When I got sick, I tried to figure out my recovery time and thought I would be fine to work on Monday morning. My manager got word I was sick and told to take a couple of days off, no arm twisting needed. I didn’t realize how badly I needed a real break.
I put priority to many things that are external. I never really get around to do things just for myself. I wanted to make it to work on Monday because the team needed me to be there to so a particular part of the process. I wasn’t thinking about how physically capable I would be when the time comes. As long as the job gets done. That goes with a lot of things: school, family, significant other, friends, etc. This is probably a good time to take stock and figure out what makes me tick.
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lipstick and perfume
I finally finished reallocating everything in my room and bathroom. It’s pretty much the way I want it. It will never be perfect, be it’s close. I don’t normally wear lipstick and perfume, but I happen to have a rather large collection. Maybe me in the past is trying to tell me something. I have everything organized and laid out instead of stashed in baggies in boxes on an obscure shelf in my room.
Story of my life. For once I finished a project. It has been an interesting adventure reorganizing my room. It is like exploring the person I am in third person by looking through my stuff. I found many interesting things packed away through the years. Things here and there, never centralized. I think that is much like the way I function. I am not good at concentrating on single subject. My mind wanders to various things that interests me. Scattered, unfocused, bits and pieces everywhere, I have no idea what I already have and look outward for more. All I end up doing is bury what I do possess.
I think I got to a point in my life where I have paid my due and can finally try to enjoy myself. It’s hard, the process of cleaning up gradually and finally have everything at my fingertips. It takes time and tenacity.
I’m looking forward to the new year.
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things to do on a saturday afternoon
Today is already a wash. Despite having a great nights sleep and coughing less, I still have no desire to head out to explore. Having lived in the bay area for most of my life there is surprisingly few things I can think of off top of my head to do on a weekend. I practically grew up at the mall. I know the layout of he place, where everything is, and can plot out the most efficient route in my head. I am at a lost outside of that familiar landscape.
I have been thinking about involving myself with fun activities that costs close to nothing. Utilizing things I already have, mainly my camera. Using things I already have, doing something different, and saving money for more important things are just some of the obvious reasons I can think of. I have accumulated all the things I would potentially need at this point in my life. I should figure out what it is I have set myself up for.
I feel blessed.
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Relationship views
Oh how it changes over experience. I haven’t had that many relationships in the past, and I rarely did any casual dating. But I think I can safely say I learn some sort of lesson from each one of them.
I no longer believe in dating/getting into relationships with established friends. It’s not worth it. When you change gears with somebody, it can never go back. I’m out a couple of otherwise lifelong friends because of this. I tried to put myself out there a bit in the last couple of years. More as a joke at first. I haven’t been desperately looking for a relationship. I finally started to enjoy being myself. I would be lying if I say something wasn’t missing. I wouldn’t find anything if I didn’t throw myself out there in some way. Good thing I did.
Try not to get too attached and set expectations low or carry none at all. I personally don’t really expect much out of a relationship. What is it about two people being together that invites other people to plant ideas on what an ideal relationship should be like? What I finally got through my head is that what other people say really doesn’t matter. My expectation? Just be good to me and care. That’s all. No material things nor things said can compare to the feeling I get when I snuggle up into caring arms on a cold night.
There is no expiration date. One person I was with defined a “honeymoon” period. As if he was counting down to the day when he doesn’t have to pay as much attention to me anymore. Everything was so formulaic for him. Why put in so much effort at the first place? When I’m with somebody, it’s all in. I either am or am not. There is no holding back for me. If I don’t feel that strongly about somebody, there is no point.
I’m not the first one to use the L word. It’s a self preservation thing. I found it useful sometime to keep my mouth shut. It certainly prevents me from saying things I don’t mean. On the same token I’m also not saying everything I feel. I think I just need to get over the anxiety of what would come after the words leaves my mouth. I’ve been waiting for the right moment. But I should know better. There is no right moment.
I guess that is all I can think of for now.
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christmas for me is...
I haven’t really given it much thought in the last few years. I think this is yet another one of those things that I let other people dictate the way I act. The meaning of Christmas to me is a time when everyone suddenly loves one another and there is a whole lot of shopping to do. It’s all so obligatory. I suppose my foray into Judaism has something to do with it. Christmas is just not that huge of a deal to me anymore. I honestly don’t remember why it was such a huge deal at the first place. Maybe it was all the presents and get together. It just doesn’t hold anything special for me.
When I was back in elementary school in Hong Kong, I was often picked as the angel to recite passages from the bible in the Christmas pageant. I had no idea what I was saying, and not that I remember now what they were. I was good at memorization and spoke clearly. That was all that mattered. Christmas was a time for the spotlight to shine on me (literally).
I suppose it was always about the presents. I honestly can’t remember any that really stood out. I must have really wanted them somehow. On a lot of levels I feel like I’ve been influenced into this celebration. But I know in my hear the true meaning of Christmas is lost on me. Why pick that one day of the year to be nice to one another? To get somebody something special? To forgive and forget?
I pulled out Love Actually and watched it just now. It’s a great movie. It’s not the cheery, omg I’m glowing with with… cheer… type of movie. It’s just people dealing with their feelings. Christmas is just the backdrop and an “out” for them for their action. I can’t be pretentious and say I’ve watched Christmas movies to bring my spirit up, because I have never done so. I have never watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” all the way through, able to get through the Patrick Stewart version of “A Christmas Carol” just because I’m a Picard fan, and the beagle whined me away from “A Charlie Brown Christmas”.
I know I’m being somewhat pessimistic about the whole situation, scrooge-like in fact. The only tinge of holiday spirit I felt was when I pour my heart into wrapping up the holiday goodies for my friends and coworkers this year. It was/is always about sharing for me. The look on people’s face when they get soemthing unexpected from me. But the thing that I can’t get over is why just this one day? Why can’t it be an everyday thing? I suppose spending most of the week by myself doesn’t help. I’m sitting here writing about how I don’t feel Christmas listening to Oasis, the band that embodies distaste for loved ones. I think it’s time for another Anchor Steam Christmas Ale. I swear I’m not bitter.
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daily thought dump
-Was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning: Pat Buchanan, you make me lolz.
-Really need to do laundry… I’m down to granny panties.
-I’m a creature of habit when it comes to ordering food, it’s hard press for me to get anything different.
-Animalreview.wordpress.com go there, I lol’d.
-Rumor has it Tom Jones is at the holiday beer bash, *jealous*.
-The photobooth feature on the imac is mucho fun.
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Thank you Microsoft and your co-employment practices. Now I’m out a Wii.
That’s right. There are four of us here in the office that should be holding some sort of prize right now. But noooooo… .we’re not allowed. Thanks Microsuck. Our boss got a Wii. Good for her. But I could have gotten one too. Oh well, I had fun, it was great food and had an open bar. I hope I get to do it again next year.
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Sharks (of the san jose variety)
What happened last night? You guys played like the Sharks of last year. It’s only Detroit. Hockey Town? pffft.. We’ve got Hockey Town WEST! I’m looking to get tickets for the game on 1/13. Day before my birthday. Sharky birthday bash anyone?
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Rick Warren at inauguration.
So a whole bunch of people are all huffy about it apparently. I think the term is anti-gay bigot that they applied to him. I might not like some of the things he believes in, but he does have a wide reaching audience. On the PR side this actually make sense to me. Consider all this “change” going on in this country. It is frightening to the large population of conservatives. It does not matter how progressive you think you are, you always know a few people who are conservative on so called “family value”. I don’t think we should ignore this part of the population because they don’t agree with you. If anything there should be dialog. What better then to reach across the aisle and not alienate. I always believe communication over antagonism is the better way to change people’s mind. So don’t sweat it, it’s only the inauguration of our first (half) black president.
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Diddit.com
This website is ridiculous. http://www.diddit.com/profile/7536/ It seems somewhat pointless, but it’s addictive. Endless lists of random stuff you have done/own/watch/heard/eaten/been to. I’m already past 300 items and I only registered last night. You can also compare your amount of stuff done with your friends, if you can find them that is. There’s still a lot left to be desired on this site, but it’s a good time killer.
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Things on the radar
* Rick Warren at inauguration.
* Relationship views.
* Sharks (of the san jose variety).
* Diddit.com.
* Thank you Microsoft and your co-employment practices. Now I’m out a Wii.
* Random thoughts dump!
Stay tuned.
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a matter of communication
I am more of a literary person over verbal. It’s hard for me to come up with anything to say when pressed. If it’s not on top of my mind I won’t be able to come up with it. If that make sense. I have a lot of ideas flying through my head during the course of the day. Funny things that happens and such. It is all forgotten by the end of the day.
For example, I heard people talking about their astrological signs today. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I did catch one of them saying Capricorns are meticulous and have stick up their asses. At which point I go “excuse me?” Another person had already expressed that sentiment when the sign of Tarus was brought up, so it was just funny when I said it. Yet another person went around and ask what everyone’s signs are. When she asked me, I went, “I”ve got a stick up my ass remember?” Fun at the office.
In the vein of my last post, here are some things that makes me happy in no particular order and by no means an exhaustive list:
* hot shower
* cuddling
* looking out into the pacific
* strolling in the rain
* fresh laundry (which reminds me I need to do laundry tonight >_<)
* a good bargain
* mac ‘n cheese (good like the one from whole foods)
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Overdose on benadryl
I decided it was time to switch my allergy meds this morning and took a couple of benadryl. That’s right, a couple. Not having a label on the container indicating dosage is a dangerous thing. Especially for people that is half awake to begin with. It hit me mid morning like a ton of bricks. I could hardly keep my eyes open. On one level I was freaking out. I knew if I close my eyes it was over. On another level I was dimly aware that I wasn’t sneezing and sniffling at all. It was just a strange morning overall. I have an addictive personality. Once I get myself interested in something I am consumed by it. I think this blog looks pretty spiffy now. There are a few things more I want for it. I’ll just have to learn how to code the layout from scratch. It will be a fun project. In the mean time I am quite happy with the way it handles content. A bit of wisdom for the night: be mindful of others but do not let them dictate your action. A concept learned from many different episodes and lessons. I think I am quite happy with myself right now. I’m not perfect. I still don’t know what I really want in life and what makes me truly happy. I’m looking for ideas of what to do and keep working on my living space. I am glad I have someone I can share all of this with.
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Why this now?
I stopped really posting anything on my main blog the moment I started importing notes on to facebook. I don’t feel like imposing my everyday ranting and imposing my ideas on people. I want to write important stuff there, not just little weird things. This way I still do random little weird updates, notifies people what I have done, and not worry about making an ass of myself.
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migrate
I did a few postings from the phone on blogger prior to making this…. I’m migrating those postings before I take it out for good.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008 freeze
It’s freezing cold. It is 37 degrees out and maybe a bit if windchill. I don’t remember the last time having this cold of a winter. I like it, just not used to it. I don’t really expect this type of weather around these parts anymore. So this chill has come on as a sort of surprise. I’m just glad I finally sorted out my closet and I have my warm clothes ready. Posted by Odrini at 8:25 AM 0 comments
Tuesday, December 16, 2008 On the road?
I suppose the subject of this blog is a bit of a misnomer. More of a wishful thinking if you will. I am, however, finding myself online on my phone 60% of the time with no good means of blogging things of interest. Twitter is a good thing to have when I have some radom little thing to talk about, but space is limited. I don’t feel like putting any more random ranting on my main blog. I also don’t want to post it as a note on facebook. I figure I’ll just make yet another blog.
A few things had to fall into place. I’m online on my phone a ridiculous amount of time to make up for the amount of money I pay for it. I finally got around to setup my email on the phone in a way that is unobtrusive and does not use too much battery. I tired to find a client that would work for windows mobile and failed. There are surprisingly few ways to easily post to blogger from a mobile device. This is the only time when I found the email posting feature to blogs to be useful. The only drawback is that it won’t be easy to post pictures.
Ah well. This way I will start to blog more about things and such.
Posted by Odrini at 7:11 PM 0 comments
First post?
I can’t really fathom why there is no clients for windows mobile out there for blogger that would work right for my phone. In fact it is downright frustrating. Best I can do right now is to use email. Posted by Odrini at 2:53 PM 0 comments
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That's all for now...
Friday, February 27, 2009
frozen dreams
T and I went to see my coworkers band Corpus Callosum last night. Fun people. Good music.
http://www.myspace.com/corpuscallosumband
It was in front of the San Jose Rep, at night. Everybody there was freezing. I brought my camera with the intention of taking some awesome pictures. The lighting was horrible and I'm not skillful enough to take good pictures of people in low light. I got a few ok shots. I will need to unload them later and put them up on flickr. On the other hand, T brought his camera without the intention of taking any serious pictures got a few really good shots. Shows I really need to practice.
What we did wasn't really the main point. I'm just happy we actually went out and did something. We are demotivated people. It is rare we find something interesting enough to actually haul our lazy asses out to take interesting pictures. I'm glad we did it. It felt more like a date. It's appropriate I think because this Sunday marks 4 months since we first met.
I think the amazing thing is I'm still happy.
http://www.myspace.com/corpuscallosumband
It was in front of the San Jose Rep, at night. Everybody there was freezing. I brought my camera with the intention of taking some awesome pictures. The lighting was horrible and I'm not skillful enough to take good pictures of people in low light. I got a few ok shots. I will need to unload them later and put them up on flickr. On the other hand, T brought his camera without the intention of taking any serious pictures got a few really good shots. Shows I really need to practice.
What we did wasn't really the main point. I'm just happy we actually went out and did something. We are demotivated people. It is rare we find something interesting enough to actually haul our lazy asses out to take interesting pictures. I'm glad we did it. It felt more like a date. It's appropriate I think because this Sunday marks 4 months since we first met.
I think the amazing thing is I'm still happy.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
peach cobbler
I woke up at 4:30 this morning, wide awake. I put my head down because it was much too early, and I had another weird dream. This one is recurring from a few nights ago. I was at a home show where kitchenware was the dominate item. There were demonstration tables where people can go up and test out the wares themselves. I ended up once again at this booth where dessert was being served. The lady said it was a new form of peach cobbler. It was a chunk of jello with a slice of peach and a slice of lime in it. Then my manager showed up and to try a few items. That reminded me I should get up and go to work. And so I did.
I'm developing an overactive imagination all of a sudden, and I don't know why.
I heard on the radio on my way home last night and also read online this morning about a new study. It shows that none of the fad diets actually work, and the only proven way to lose weight is to burn more then what you eat. Well duh. Friend of mine went WTF and commented on how people don't think with common sense and such. My question was, how did these "researchers" get the funding to conduct such a study at the first place? That's a big waste of money, just like the fad diets.
I'm developing an overactive imagination all of a sudden, and I don't know why.
I heard on the radio on my way home last night and also read online this morning about a new study. It shows that none of the fad diets actually work, and the only proven way to lose weight is to burn more then what you eat. Well duh. Friend of mine went WTF and commented on how people don't think with common sense and such. My question was, how did these "researchers" get the funding to conduct such a study at the first place? That's a big waste of money, just like the fad diets.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Paris
I was stopped in front of the bathroom by the friendly chatty chick from the other department. She looked at my necklace that was thoughtfully picked out by my man with an image of the Eiffel Tower on it. She asked me if I would live there. I had to think about it. I love the city, but what would I do there? As much as I would love to just trot around the city to take pictures and people watch in cafes, I can't think of a single thing I can do for a living there. She suggested I can probably open a little cafe, but why would I want to be cooped up in a shop all day?
There are a few items I thought of packing upon this suggestion. The first obvious thing will be my camera. I will have to invest in a better lens, or maybe even a really nice point and shoot. I will get a kindle or an equivalent ebook because I want to read and I'm not keen to carrying around a massive amount of books. I will get a smaller size notebook to carry around. I will need to consider my cell phone options that would give me the internet plus tethering abilities. My iPod. About a weeks worth of clothing. A credit card with a good amount of limit. That's all I really need.
In fact, that's all I really need for wherever I will be.
There are a few items I thought of packing upon this suggestion. The first obvious thing will be my camera. I will have to invest in a better lens, or maybe even a really nice point and shoot. I will get a kindle or an equivalent ebook because I want to read and I'm not keen to carrying around a massive amount of books. I will get a smaller size notebook to carry around. I will need to consider my cell phone options that would give me the internet plus tethering abilities. My iPod. About a weeks worth of clothing. A credit card with a good amount of limit. That's all I really need.
In fact, that's all I really need for wherever I will be.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
so what do you blog about?
A coworker walked by during my break, saw me messing with my layout. "Ohh, what's that?" "My blog" "So what do you blog about?" I didn't have a good answer. It is not quite an online open diary, a random collection of stuff I find interesting, mindless writing to convince myself of things, or a chronicle of the happenings. "Musings, Rantings, Bulls and Such" What does it amounts to anyway?
I've taken interest in a few blogs thanks to twitter (that's another story). Not many out there are good, I can say with confidence. Most of the better ones I like has a focus. I want to be more interesting to the run of the mill reader, but I have so many things I'm interested in.
I've come to a conclusion that a catch-all blog is the most horrific thing to exist alone. There needs to be sections and focus. No matter how little material there is to support each section, it is still much easier to navigate then a plain old catch-all. I'm thinking about sectioning off my posts into different sections and have a "catch-all" to highlight recent postings.
I've taken interest in a few blogs thanks to twitter (that's another story). Not many out there are good, I can say with confidence. Most of the better ones I like has a focus. I want to be more interesting to the run of the mill reader, but I have so many things I'm interested in.
I've come to a conclusion that a catch-all blog is the most horrific thing to exist alone. There needs to be sections and focus. No matter how little material there is to support each section, it is still much easier to navigate then a plain old catch-all. I'm thinking about sectioning off my posts into different sections and have a "catch-all" to highlight recent postings.
keep walking
I had a Harold and Kumar moment this morning. I was almost at the bottom at the stair. It was too far to go back. I don't know if that's because I'm lazy or I'm resourceful enough to make due with what I can get my hands on.
I ended up watching No Reservations for about 4 hours last night. I probably could have done some more writing and planning on the side, but I didn't. It is the one show I can watch over and over again. I installed an application on facebook of a restaurant review contest for the show. It's a good idea, but I don't think I will participate. The first few ones I have read are quite disappointing. Most of them reads like a book report. Where is the inspiration? I find it sad that is how most people write nowadays. I blame it on the mindless blogging culture.
I ended up watching No Reservations for about 4 hours last night. I probably could have done some more writing and planning on the side, but I didn't. It is the one show I can watch over and over again. I installed an application on facebook of a restaurant review contest for the show. It's a good idea, but I don't think I will participate. The first few ones I have read are quite disappointing. Most of them reads like a book report. Where is the inspiration? I find it sad that is how most people write nowadays. I blame it on the mindless blogging culture.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday
I don't want to be another one of those people who hops on her laptop and start ranting about how much Monday sucked. It wasn't great. I had a hard time staying awake after lunch. I didn't feel like I was too busy today, but I didn't get around to jot down any more ideas. I don't feel particularly inspired today. I feel like I'm sleepwalking most days. I don't think there is much cause for me to blame it on the weather. I'm just plain lazy. I'm hungry and I won't have dinner for another hour.
Sometimes I just want to do my own thing and not wait around for others. I think that's another reason why I haven't been watching TV for a while now. I don't like it when other people or program dictate what I do.
I'm sleepy.
Sometimes I just want to do my own thing and not wait around for others. I think that's another reason why I haven't been watching TV for a while now. I don't like it when other people or program dictate what I do.
I'm sleepy.
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