last dance

I have Donna Summer stuck in my head all of a sudden. There is something about being on the job for the last time. My cube looks so empty. All of the things I need to move are under my desk in bags. A few more hours and this space will no longer be mine. There is a sense of melancholy attached to all of this. At the same time I am excited for the new things on the horizon. Life is going to be different. Mainly I hope to feel useful.

In the past few years I have been down on myself. I have thought myself lagging and useless. I finally feel like I'm back on track. Finding a job as such just a bit over a year out of school is pretty impressive. If there's a will, there must have been a way.

The wall is now rid of the stupid crap I have accumulated over the course of the year. I'm ready to move on.

10:23 pm

It's not even 10:30 and I find myself ready to go to bed. Today I worked, shopped for toiletry, took care of my finances, ate dinner, packed my bag, read, and find myself here. It's not even 10:30. I feel like an old lady. I find myself afraid of the dark and afraid of being alone.

The window is open and the breeze chills me to the core.

I don't like this feeling. I'm in a sort of holding pattern, waiting for the next great thing to happen. I already know next week will be exciting. I don't know what to expect this weekend. I feel like I'm at the whim of others.

I sincerely wish I was more independent. I'm sitting here at 10:30. In my room. On a Thursday night. I feel like I should be out and about. I should be exploring different places. Have a life. Other people I know are out doing things. They are going out of town. On their own volition. I don't do that.

I've been thinking about going out of town by myself. I don't know how to do it. Only a few years ago did I fly by myself. It feels odd. I should be out doing things at this age. The best years of my life spent in my room with a book and a bottle of iced tea typing on my laptop. I know there is more to life and I don't know how to start.

I can easily blame it on the people around me. Or in tonight's case, how they're not here. Ultimately I am the one to blame. I am not the one to take initiative. I don't like to rock the boat. I am unsatisfied with my life and I'm not willing to do anything about it.

I can picture myself five years from now. I will be at the same job, doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am a workaholic. I don't take vacations and hardly take any sick days off. I spend weekends as a hermit and not go anywhere. I'm just saving up. It makes me feel uneasy, but I can easily see myself doing that. I don't like that thought.

I had a discussion with one of my old friends today. She is thinking about getting a macbook pro for the media consulting business she is thinking about. I offered to help her out with the pricing of the items. That got me thinking about myself for a bit, in comparison to others. I am in a good financial foothold right now and it is not going to get too much worse with my part time hours. I have been limiting my spending by living at home, driving my parents' cars, and budgeting. I live like I'm on a fixed income. In the past couple of years I have made enough for a downpayment for a small condo or something. It's not enough for what I want, even without reserves, but my savings is sizable. Sometimes I feel like I'm depriving myself. A friend of mine just got a spiffy new car, but complains about she's too poor to get the next big purchase. I have enough to pay for both of those purchases in cash and yet I don't make a move. My whole attitude about money and material things have changed in the last two years. I don't know if I'm shrewed or cheap. Maybe both.

I think deep down I'm trying to make it so I will be comfortable in the future. I want to start things right and not be in the fear of losing things. How material wealth works in this country scares me. I have been listening to podcasts that are very educational. They are conscise and scary. They do not try to instill fear in me intentionally. The more they make things clear the more smoke I see. It's frightening how wealth is created in this country. As my friend Rob said years ago (I paraphrase): I believe in the hard work of my own two hands.

There is nothing more concrete and solid then to know you put in a day of hard work and be rewarded for it. It makes the wealth more precious. I finally reach that point where I draw a direct correaltion between the work I do and the material things I possess.

I desperately want to start in my new job. I want to learn new things. I want my work to be meaningful. I want to be seen as a true professional. I want to be look up upon. I want to be valuable. I want to be... my true self. The person I have always known to be there. I want the world to look at me and say, well look at her now, isn't she something.

of jolt gum and last days

You never realize how much stuff (reads: crap) you have until you need to clear out your desk. Tomorrow will be my last day. Unlike my behavior from previous experience, I have packed most of my cr....stuff away. I asked if I can start putting things into my new desk. It was a yes. I still have my bags under my desk right here. Things I'm not going to use for the time being and I'm not willing to part with them. That's a sign you're a pack-rat. I'll move them tomorrow towards the end of the day.

I had a piece of jolt gum, I would just like to say. It's the equivalent of half a cup of coffee and makes my twitchy. In addition, it also kills my grammar.

I need some new sunglasses. Ideas? I've had mine for a few years and they are awesome but falling apart. One of the rubber grips fell off when I was taking pictures at Yosemite. It's been so stretched out it hardly holds up my hair. I hate shopping for glasses.

I'm going to be up the peninsula this weekend, spending most of daylight up in San Francisco and beyond. I will just bring my point and shoot this time. It's a good camera, it will do the scenery justice.

sunburn

The weekend has come and gone. It was way too short in my opinion. It has been way too long since I had such a good mix of fun and misery. Everything was great except for getting car sick. At least I didn't throw up in the car.

I took some great pictures and had a pretty good time, but Yosemite is not as appealing to me as it once was. To me, Yosemite is sort of a mythical place. The rustic environment, the history, the natural wonder of it all. The drive in and out of the park was not great, and we only spent a few hours in there. We might have spent most of our time on the road. You would think that is a deterrent for people to visit.

The main thing that irks me is the crowd. Traffic jams in a national park. I understand everybody wants to see it, but not like this. There is simply too many people around for me to find the experience entirely enjoyable. I found it obscene how I had to jockey for a spot to set up my tripod at 10 in the morning.

I desperately want to bring my childhood wonder back in regards to the park and I think I know how. This has to be a major entry into travel blog (when I finally get around to it) because I intend to carry it through. I want to spend at least a week in the park in a cabin in spring. Get up at 6 in the morning and hit the trails. I intend to hike up to the top of Yosemite Falls, Half Dome, and El Capitan. I can sleep the crowd away. That will be ideal.

I have so many things I want to do.

nature and me

I'm all packed. My gear is in my car and I'm ready to go. Heading up to Manteca tonight right after work and it's Yosemite Saturday morning! I hope it doesn't get too crowded. I already know it's going to be incredibly hot. Forecast said it is going to be in the hundreds. Joy. I should bring my nalgene.

I don't know if I really look forward to driving up tonight, but at least I don't have to drive at 6 am tomorrow. It's piling into the van and snooze for two hours for me. Actually I will probably spend some time messing with my camera. The last time I was there it was... I don't think I've been there since junior high. I'm brining my camera and tripod this time in addition to my point and shoot.

I'm not too happy with my photo collections of late. I think I put away that focus on little details. Those are the best photos I have ever taken. I have been doing all point and shoot photos lately. Not my best. Maybe I will get some good stuff this weekend. I need to put my camera to good use.

what to eat

I really need to start planning and/or packing my lunch. It is so frustrating to want to go out and can't find anyone to go with. It's no fun for me to go out to lunch by myself to be honest.

I'm so mentally checked out. I ran out of things I want to do months ago. It's kind of sad.

I updated WoW last night on my entertainment center. The whole reason why I upgraded my monitor to a 42" TV etc was to play WoW in high definition. I got the expansion and promptly stopped playing. I started it up again last night and realize I don't have real desires to really play the game. It's such a weird thing for me. Maybe there was too much reading involved with the new class. A death knight starts at level 55 with gear and skills. I really have no desire to catch up that way. I should just start a new character and build it up from there. I'm going to be a farmer anyway when I play. I have a few months left on my account.

I should get into better hobbies.

I was totally lethargic last night. I went to the drug store to get solutions for my contacts and they were out of stock. I ended up wandering around the drugstore for no reason, went to Michael's and TJ Maxx. I don't even know why I went in there. I thought about buying about twenty bucks worth of threads on clearance so I can make myself a shawl to leave at work. I had to talk myself out of that one. I have plenty of yarn at home to do that project. I need to finish my bedspread.

I'm seriously thinking about making some marketable items to put on etsy. I already thought about doing bedspreads. They sell pretty well on etsy at a pretty good price, but they take a long time to make. Selling my photographs would be another. I can put them up on zazzle or cafe press. Maybe I'll link those from my website. I should add a swag section or something. It would be nice to get some income out of it, at least to cover some of my cost. I'm already chalking my website off as an expensive hobby.

I should probably put some time and energy into something more useful.

directions

“What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.”

—	F. Scott Fitzgerald

A book nerd I follow on tumblr posted the quote this morning. It's so true. The most compelling things I have read online are things people should be ashamed of. I have not been keeping up with most everything I should be doing lately, I'm ashamed to say. Are you compelled yet? I have been mindlessly wasting time away the last month or so. Maybe it started with a general sense of hopelessness, but it definitely turned into a habit.

The one thing I know for sure is I have an addictive personality. Once I get involve into something mindless and never ending, I tend to get addicted. It used to be MMORPGs such as World of Warcraft. I'm glad to say I have been WoW free for almost a year. It doesn't have to be involved, but it normally is something repetitive. Puzzle games are my bane. I have been playing one for a while now. Day and night. It's not healthy. I feel like my brain melted in the last few weeks. I think I've done my worst and have to go cold turkey on it.

I'm guessing it was a sudden burst of optimism that propels me to be more useful. My projects page have not changed in the last three months. There was, as I said before, a general sense of hopelessness and uncertainty for a time. My job was about to end and I didn't know what lies ahead. I now have a new job lined up at the beginning of the month and possibly more schooling. These are things to be excited about. I am no longer stuck in gear and will embark on a possible career path. I like the sound of that. However, I will remain unsettled until I get my bearings at this position. The new bosses (yes, I'm going from two to three) have already asked me to write about myself twice. I suppose it is something I need to get used to, but it's not a subject I have much practice writing about. It is hard to talk about why I am worthy of employment or to summarize myself in two to three sentences. I am so much more. I tried for years to not to be stereotypical. General descriptions does not usually suite me. At the same time I am hard to quantify. That is what people want, something measurable and comparable. It's hard to try to march to my own drumbeat and try to make it in the world.

I looked at some of my projects last week and narrowed down the general sections on my website. That's a good start. I firmly believe in the heart of every good website should be good content. Presentation is important too, but the content makes the site. This is also a reflection on myself. These are the things I am genuinely interested in. I already have a subset of content for every section I wrote down. All of these things are meant to be captured and shared. It will be like my personal autobiography.

Everything I have said is a load of fluff until I start working on it. I have so many things up in the air.

omg

I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything. I appreciate it when people wishes me well and stuff when they find out I got a new job and all. I told somebody from another department about yesterday. She was saying how lucky I was, how she would have jumped on that opportunity if she knew about it, and how much better it is then her job. I makes me feel a bit guilty. And that was in the same tone of voice when people were talking to her kids the other day when she brought them in. I told her because she was looking out for me and suggested something to apply for. I really appreciate her and her concerns. It just reminds me of why I don't like telling people good news.

The best reaction I have gotten so far was last night. My dad came home and gave me a high five.

I lost count

I'm not sure how many more days I have left here on account I have no idea when I start my next job. I'm pretty excited about it. I can probably speak more of it when I'm actually there. In the mean time I am still here, waiting.

I went to see the latest Harry Potter film last night. It wasn't a horrible movie, but I was disappointed. I suppose I can't have it all. I think reading the books really ruins the movie experience. I don't intend on reading the books again. Oh well. It was a fun evening anyway.

I'm not too happy about the new TGIFridays. The location near my house re-opened. The menu is different and our service was poor. To top things off my third choice beer (they were out of the first two on tap) was stale. So far I'm not impressed. Since that is the closest bar to the movie theater we go to, I suspect we will go back sometime in the future.

I didn't see too many movie previews I liked last night. Maybe I'm just getting a bit too cynical about movie and television. I liked the Sherlock Holmes trailer. Not because they entirely bastardized it to an action adventure, it was because Jude Law (Watson) punched Robert Downey Jr (Holmes) in the face. I would watch the movie for that.

I'm starting to clean out my desk. I took out a bunch of food items a little while back. I just have a lot of crap.

I'm behind on my reading. I haven't really had the chance to spend a quiet evening by myself for a while. Passing out in exhaustion does not help either.

second fiddle

There is a certain amount of anxiety associated with not knowing. As much as I don't want to think about it, I am anxious. Every time my in box lights up I thought I would have a heart attack. You want people to stop sending you emails that has really nothing to do with you. It's junk. It's like sitting by the phone waiting for that one call. It doesn't even have to be good news. I just need to know there is a resolution. The longer I wait, the more I want that job. The feeling for it intensifies instead of fading away. I want a quick answer. In my opinion it should be a quick decision. I know I'm good and I should be the one. But I'm not the one making the decisions. I wonder how many people die of bureaucratically induced heart attacks.

I decided to play around with time lapse photography. I want to produce my own work and not be an assistant. He needs to understand I want to be my own person. I have assisted others to do great things without a title to myself. It's not mine. I am willing to help with some of his work, but I want to create my own. I will never concede and become his little assistant. I can't think of anything more degrading.

Maybe that feeling plus my anxiety and his lack of comprehension in regards to direction reacted. I have not felt such anger towards him before.

I'm getting him a GPS for his birthday.

Why I am awesome and you should hire me

Hi D,

Thank you for the opportunity to present myself as a candidate for the position. It was a pleasure to speak with you.

I believe I am a great for the position because of my abilities and experience. I am a quick learner and am observant. I like to figure out how things work and think of ways to make processes more efficient. I enjoy the legal aspects of human resources. I am reasonable. I speak up while being sensitive to others. I am easy going, adaptive, and accommodating without being overly compromising. It may not seem like it if you stop by my desk, but I am very well organized. I bring in experience from the mechanical level of our records retention. I am familiar with some of the foreign national documents from my weekly interaction. I understand how these documents translates to the I-9 and the E-Verify process.

This position is also a great fit for me because it can be a good learning opportunity and allows a larger degree of freedom. As I mentioned before, I want to further my education. In addition to pursuing another degree, I believe this job will teach me many lessons that can not be obtained in a classroom. If business need requires more of my time and growth in the position, I am absolutely up for the challenge.

Thank you for your consideration. I hope receive good news from you soon.

Regards,

P L

hump day

Is it terrible to say I die a little inside every minute I sit at work? It sure feels like it. It feels like I'm wasting away my life. There is 19 work days left. I have relegated to counting down. It's somewhat depressing from that stand point. I have a load of inconsequential work to finish up in this time period. I might even be able to finish it by the end of the week if I concentrate on it.

19 Days. I have a plan A in the works right now and I really hope that pans out. Plan B just emerged a few minutes ago and that's not a bad option either. We will see. I have my hopes.

an idea

I had a brilliant idea this morning. Then I got distracted with real work and more stupid games. I just remember my idea was to redirect my energy from playing stupid games to writing more. I thought it was a great idea. I spend the same amount of energy rambling about.... whatever it is, and there is something productive about this exercise.

I had my interview this morning. I think it went pretty well. I managed to carry on conversations, conveyed how I am most likely the best candidate for the job, and didn't throw up. Not that I have before, but I always imagine I would do it one of these days.

I'm actually really excited about the prospects of this new job. Assuming I get it. Which I have a good chance because of the things I do now. Feels like it has more direction and space to grow. There were a few what if's after the interview. I did a little calculation in case they line up. I could potentially make more on part time when what I make now as a full timer. Great.