10:23 pm

It's not even 10:30 and I find myself ready to go to bed. Today I worked, shopped for toiletry, took care of my finances, ate dinner, packed my bag, read, and find myself here. It's not even 10:30. I feel like an old lady. I find myself afraid of the dark and afraid of being alone.

The window is open and the breeze chills me to the core.

I don't like this feeling. I'm in a sort of holding pattern, waiting for the next great thing to happen. I already know next week will be exciting. I don't know what to expect this weekend. I feel like I'm at the whim of others.

I sincerely wish I was more independent. I'm sitting here at 10:30. In my room. On a Thursday night. I feel like I should be out and about. I should be exploring different places. Have a life. Other people I know are out doing things. They are going out of town. On their own volition. I don't do that.

I've been thinking about going out of town by myself. I don't know how to do it. Only a few years ago did I fly by myself. It feels odd. I should be out doing things at this age. The best years of my life spent in my room with a book and a bottle of iced tea typing on my laptop. I know there is more to life and I don't know how to start.

I can easily blame it on the people around me. Or in tonight's case, how they're not here. Ultimately I am the one to blame. I am not the one to take initiative. I don't like to rock the boat. I am unsatisfied with my life and I'm not willing to do anything about it.

I can picture myself five years from now. I will be at the same job, doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am a workaholic. I don't take vacations and hardly take any sick days off. I spend weekends as a hermit and not go anywhere. I'm just saving up. It makes me feel uneasy, but I can easily see myself doing that. I don't like that thought.

I had a discussion with one of my old friends today. She is thinking about getting a macbook pro for the media consulting business she is thinking about. I offered to help her out with the pricing of the items. That got me thinking about myself for a bit, in comparison to others. I am in a good financial foothold right now and it is not going to get too much worse with my part time hours. I have been limiting my spending by living at home, driving my parents' cars, and budgeting. I live like I'm on a fixed income. In the past couple of years I have made enough for a downpayment for a small condo or something. It's not enough for what I want, even without reserves, but my savings is sizable. Sometimes I feel like I'm depriving myself. A friend of mine just got a spiffy new car, but complains about she's too poor to get the next big purchase. I have enough to pay for both of those purchases in cash and yet I don't make a move. My whole attitude about money and material things have changed in the last two years. I don't know if I'm shrewed or cheap. Maybe both.

I think deep down I'm trying to make it so I will be comfortable in the future. I want to start things right and not be in the fear of losing things. How material wealth works in this country scares me. I have been listening to podcasts that are very educational. They are conscise and scary. They do not try to instill fear in me intentionally. The more they make things clear the more smoke I see. It's frightening how wealth is created in this country. As my friend Rob said years ago (I paraphrase): I believe in the hard work of my own two hands.

There is nothing more concrete and solid then to know you put in a day of hard work and be rewarded for it. It makes the wealth more precious. I finally reach that point where I draw a direct correaltion between the work I do and the material things I possess.

I desperately want to start in my new job. I want to learn new things. I want my work to be meaningful. I want to be seen as a true professional. I want to be look up upon. I want to be valuable. I want to be... my true self. The person I have always known to be there. I want the world to look at me and say, well look at her now, isn't she something.